Parenting

Offspring, progeny, children

As I have mentioned before, both of my sons are on the autism spectrum. So my experience with parenting is not what a person would call typical. I know there was a movement years ago to not use the word “normal,” when it came to anything anyone did, since it was felt everyone had their own definition of normal. Coincidentally, I thought that was inane then and I still think it is ridiculous.

Of course, there is normal. If there is no normality, then there is no deviation. We would have no way to measure that which is beyond the pale, then a family, or person, doesn’t get the help and support that is needed. Normal isn’t what is simply normal for you. Normal is a recognized average in society. What the majority of people experience, deal with, handle, mange , and take care of.

So I would have to say that I never had the normal parenting experience. My children didn’t hit the typical milestones, they never had the typical experiences growing up (except the experience of being bullied), and there was never the typical events that most children go through on their way to adulthood. (Yes, they wer bar mitzvahed, but only because we found a rabbi who understood what autism was and was willing to work with us, Most in our area at the time, were not obliging.) Was my experience in parenting harder than it should be? I honestly have nothing to compare it to. I figure it was harder than some, easier than others.

This by the way, is not me going “woe is me.” I am trying to simply explain that I don't know what typical parenting is like. So perhaps when I speak about parenting I am speaking of it from a different angle than most people.

A story- one day I went to speak to my son’s high school special education teacher. I was bringing in something he needed for school and stopped to speak with her about his progress. There were several teachers in their conference room and I was relating an issue we had had that morning. I had told him that he had to change his clothes because what he had on was not warm enough. He told me that I only care about how someone looks. Meanwhile you should know that I was wearing an old sweatshirt, stained sweatpants and uggs, with my hair in a pony and no makeup.

I said to the teacher, “do I look like I only care about how someone looks.” All the teachers broke out in laughter. My son’s teacher turned to me and said, “every autism issue you handle with no problem, but the typical teen age stuff sends you over the edge.” They thought it was hysterical. (It was, and is, the little things that still send me over the edge at times.)

My question becomes what would you do in certain circumstances, and how would you handle your children’s issues throughout their lives? What does parenting entail for you?

There is an old joke my mother used to tell me: One day 2 friends were speaking about their children. One of the friend’s son is very successful, and had left home years earlier. The other friend was having issues with their child, basically the child had failed to launch. So the father of the successful child says to his friend, “if he were my son I would just throw him out of the house and force him to stand on his own 2 feet.” The friend replied, “if he was your son, I would throw him out of my house too. But since it is my son living in my house, I will help him the way he needs to be helped.”

I always found that “joke” very telling. It is very interesting when people think they can tell others how to parent or what is best for their child. Now listen, of course there are typical things that are expected in society if you choose to become a parent. And there are societal penalties if a person breaks that implicit parental oath.

But for the most part, here in the US (at least until the nanny-staters get their socialist hands on child rearing) as long as you follow the societal requirements of food, clothing, shelter, and respectful parenting, you can raise your child as you see fit. Public, private, or home schooling, in most states it’s up to the parent. What kind of clothing your child wears is individual. When and how often you cut their hair is a personal preference. It is expected, however, that they go to the doctor and dentist (and in fact it is such a requirement that states have programs for poor families so they can get their children the medical support they need). It is expected that a parent be responsible for the health and welfare of their children.

Of course, alot of parents go above and beyond the basics in society. Providing sporting, religious school, extracurricular lessons of every kind-dance, music, tutor. Some can afford it, and unfortunately some cannot. But they do their best to give their child a good and happy life.

But at what point does that health and welfare end? My sons are adults. Highly educated, but still they need support. Others families’ adult children have other issues: medical, addiction, financial, heartbreak. There are any number of things that can go wrong in life. Yet there is no time that you stop loving your children, and at no time you do not try to help them if they need help.

There is independence, and then there is parenting. Children need to know, even when theya re adults, that they can always come home.

My aunt used to say you worry about your children from the moment they come out until the moment you go under. And when you stop thinking you have to worry about your children, it is time to worry about the grandchildren.

I think that is parental love.

Listen, I lost my parents about a decade ago. First my father died, and then my mom 3 years later. My husband lost both of his parents very young. He lost his mom 30 years ago and his dad 15 years ago.

It is weird you know, when you realize one day that you are an orphan. You may be an adult, but you realize that solid grounding you have had all your life is simply gone. And it’s funny, because we didn’t rely on my parents for anything except having them to talk to. In fact, they were getting to the age where they were going to have to come live with us. Role reversals were about to happen. But one day, you realize that a support system you have had all your life has disappeared. It is really silly that that was so scary.

I think I will always miss them.

And of course, they are still in my head all the time too.

I remember after my mother passed, we took in her little maltese. One day the husband turned to me and mentioned how my mother would be happy the way we are taking care of her dog.

I guess my parents are in my husband’s head too.

I know that we like to judge how other people parent. We like to say that a parent may enable a child for good or bad. But sometimes, just sometimes, unless we understand the full dynamic of a family we cannot, well we should not, judge.

We all parent the best we can. There is no manual, and children do not come with instructions. We rely on instinct for most of us. We also know what we didn’t like about how we were parented, and vow to do it differently with our children, until the day we realize we sound just like our own parents. No, you are never going to be the cool parent. There is no such thing. You should not aim to be your child’s friend when they were young, you are their parent. They should feel free to come to you with issues, problems and concerns, but you should never give up that special relationship of parent to child.

I remember reading a line in a parenting column long before my sons were born. The line was talking about parenting versus being your child’s friend- “if your child doesn’t tell you they hate you at least once a day, you are not doing your job as a parent.” I’m pretty sure they were talking about teenagers.

Once my younger son told me he wasn’t my friend when he was 3 because I wouldn’t let him fire his nursery school teacher. “I am not your friend,” he said. I replied, “ No, you are not my friend. You are my son. I am your parent and you will do as I say. And one day when you are a grown man, and if I like you, and you are lucky, we can then be friends.” Well I got a harumph with folded arms across his chest, and a turned away face, for that one. He has the same personality to this day. (The sweetheart of the nursery school teacher was so hurt. I felt so bad for her.) By the way he never said that again to me in the last 3 decades.

People judge successful parenting by different markers. What is good for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another. What we all want though (at least for normal families), is for our children to be happy.

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