Lovely post. The thing that tickled me is the anecdote about your son at 3- my daughter, at that age, told me she hated me for the first time. Ignoring the dagger in my heart, I said said something along the lines of “That’s ok. It won’t be the last time you feel that way “ and went about my business. It wasn’t, of course, but 30 years down the road we have the kind of relationship that I missed with my own mother, and my heart is full.
I raised three of my own kids and two adopted kids. With that experience I can say that disciplining and setting expectations with kids from your own gene pool is a lot easier than for adopted kids. Parents have instincts based on their own childhood and should listen to their gut. But with an adopted kid, your gut can be dead wrong.
Thank you for your comment. I have no experience in raising an adopted child and would have thought parental instincts work with any child. So nature, not just nurture, does play somewhat of a role in child rearing. Interesting.💖
Just found you via the email I get (I guess we all get it!) called Your Weekly Stack, and I'm so glad I did. My older son, 33, has autism, my younger son, 26, does not. I love them more than I love breathing (and wine, and that's saying something) and have done my best to guide them both. My older son, of course, is more challenging and, like you, I've watched friends fall away as their kids got married, bought homes, had kids, etc. It hurts sometimes, knowing my son will most likely never do that, but I don't dwell on it. I dwell on the progress he's made, what a good human being he is, how he makes me laugh. From your essay I can tell that you are a wonderful mom. It's lovely to "meet" you and I look forward to reading more of your work.
This touches so many raw nerves, thanks for your openness and honesty. Your sons are lucky to have you as their mom. However, accolades are not why we are parents, giving unconditional love and support are my rewards. I never expect any return. My healing comes from being a better parent to my children than my parents were of me.
I love my grown boys every day. I wish I could do more for them. But now they are as exposed as I am in a world with little pity for our weaknesses. I appreciate my own late parents more than I was ever able or motivated to let them know. They were far braver than I realized and stalwart in their suffering. Thank you sincerely for your words.
It’s interesting how much braver previous generations were, but at the same time I think we would definitely rise to the occasion if we needed to. My friend gave me a plaque for my desk, it says “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
I also never thought about the world having no pity for weakness, but that is so true. I think that is why we work so hard to prepare our children for when we are gone. And what ever we do, it is never enough. At least that is how I feel.
Thanks. I’ll remember that quote. It’s so strange that although we are all “humans” that we are so far apart. Group/think, civilization, organizations, are not always the best avenues for “la dolce vita.” Best to you and yours.
I don't have any kids with autism but all three of my kids do have special needs as a result of early life trauma/inherited. I related so much to a lot of what you wrote. It feels good to read the words of other people in similar circumstances.
One line I particularly liked was this: "This by the way, is not me going “woe is me.” I am trying to simply explain that I don't know what typical parenting is like. So perhaps when I speak about parenting I am speaking of it from a different angle than most people." It truly is an entirely different experience but the desire to relate to other, normal parents is still there, at least for me.
Thank you for reading my essay. I am so glad that it reached you in some way. I would like more than anything for normal parents to understand our lives and be friends. It just hasn't worked out that way for me.
All my friends, even those with neurotypical children have at least 1 autistic child. I suppose for me, it has more to do with finding friends that you don't have to explain everything to.
But I am also at a very different stage than you are. My children are grown and still need our support. Unlike their peers who are getting married and having children of their own. I think many people who I was friends with pulled away as the children got older. I don't know if they didn't want to hear about the issues we deal with or they felt uncomfortable as the typical age related milestones were reached by their own children.
I hope i never showed I was jealous because I never was. I am happy for every one of these individuals as they get to dance at their children's weddings and become grandparents. I feel I live vicariously through their joy! (Silly I know, but I love seeing everyone else's happiness)
So I don't know why they all left, but that is just what happened. Maybe the issues we faced were just too much for them. Maybe I pushed them away somehow. Maybe they just didn't like me in general. I don't know anymore and honestly at 64 I don't care anymore. It used to hurt alot. It doesn't anymore.
I liked your essay a lot… but couldn’t figure out if “Nanny State” and “socialism”was snarky? The so-called nanny state provides vaccination, dental care, social workers, foster homes and even autism programs in some schools. I think these are good things for our children because not all parents can provide for their kids and not all are good parents.
I agree with you :), that’s why I wondered why you were using quotes around “nanny state”… the phrase is often used as a scare tactic by, for example, anti-vax folks, when in reality what we have is just a social safety net. Honestly, I feel we are nowhere close to either a nanny state or socialism.
Actually I don’t pay attention to antivaxxers so wouldn't even think of them when writing this post. In fact, I dismissed them along time ago especially with their nonsense about vaccines causing autism. My youngest son actually did a presentation in high school about it, refuting their garbage and ended with “I have been autistic my entire life, and there is nothing wrong with me.”
But I do know that there are countries out there which are nanny states, and I for one don’t want to live in one. And I agree, we are nowhere near that here in the US.
Not sure about antivaxxers but it’s a British term used by Tories for decades against laws ranging from mandatory seatbelts and age restrictions on cigarettes and alcohol to a tax on sugary beverages. Has nothing to do with governments telling you where to live and what you name your kids.
Being an American, this is how we view what the nanny state does. And there are quite a few countries that do tell people what they can and cannot name their children, Iceland, Denmark, Sweden and Germany just to name a few. And here are some of the countries that prescribe where a person can live: North Korea, China, Cuba, Eritrea, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.
And we do think of the nanny state when they try to tell us what we can eat and try to tax us for it, which is what Mike Bloomberg tried to do in NYC when he was mayor when it came to soda. It was a fiasco. In fact one famous story is that there were some people for some reason they had thousands of leftover bagels that they wanted to donate them to a homeless shelter, but because according to the City there was just a little too much salt in the bagel (which if you know anything about making bagels you need salt) the City destroyed the bagels instead of serving them to the hungry and homeless.
Another incident is the recent one in Georgia where a mother was arrested by social services because her 11 year old walked to the closest gas station to buy some junk food. They said she is required to track him now and report to the authorities. 1. she was not home at the time and her father was there 2. the child left the house without telling anyone 3. this pisses off Americans to no extent. Vulnerable children are being starved and beaten to death but the only thing the nanny state can do is arrest a homeschooling mother who believes in "free range" parenting. You know how children used to be brought up. So the nanny state is trying to tell parents how to raise their children and Americans will not stand for that.
There is a fine line of a social safety net, which every citizen is entitled to and it is considered part of the contract between the government and the governed, and the government running your day to day life.
Thank you for liking my essay. Actually what you are describing is not a nanny state but a government with a social safety net.
The nanny state is a government who feels the average person is too stupid to make life decisions so they make them for them.
Socialist nations, or nanny states, will go as far as telling you what you can name your child as well. They will tell you, that parents are not allowed to know what their children are taught, they will tell you where you can live, how you can live, and make the state the parent. Like most totalitarian governments.
You are an example of a courageously loving parent - parenting chesed. Interesting about our parents crossing over the river. My dad went first, but it was ok because mom was there. But when she died, an empty space opened never to be filled. Then came the thought that all things proceeding in order, as the oldest, I was next. That was a long time ago now.
I realized my own mortality 1 year after being diagnosed with breast cancer. It hit like a ton of bricks and I had a panic attack. But hopefully for both of us our own mortality will be decades away.
From all your posts I believe you are not just a parent, but a true heroine. I know, you’ll probably deny that, but in those difficult moments, you should know you’re a heroine.
Thank you, truly. And you are right. I do not feel like, or consider myself, a heroine. I do merely what any parent would do for their child, at any age, and any stage of development. 💖
This is a topic where any of us could write 1,000 words without stopping and then immediately find those words riddled with contradictions and qualifications and yet still strangely true and authentic. One thing does seem constant—that value judgments of both parents and children and the gazillion decisions that go into screwing them up count for very little. It’s all in the heart, and you have a good one. That’s all that matters in any of us.
Lovely post. The thing that tickled me is the anecdote about your son at 3- my daughter, at that age, told me she hated me for the first time. Ignoring the dagger in my heart, I said said something along the lines of “That’s ok. It won’t be the last time you feel that way “ and went about my business. It wasn’t, of course, but 30 years down the road we have the kind of relationship that I missed with my own mother, and my heart is full.
Thank you for the compliment. Your daughter sounds like a pistol :) So glad you have a great relationship with her!
I raised three of my own kids and two adopted kids. With that experience I can say that disciplining and setting expectations with kids from your own gene pool is a lot easier than for adopted kids. Parents have instincts based on their own childhood and should listen to their gut. But with an adopted kid, your gut can be dead wrong.
Thank you for your comment. I have no experience in raising an adopted child and would have thought parental instincts work with any child. So nature, not just nurture, does play somewhat of a role in child rearing. Interesting.💖
Just found you via the email I get (I guess we all get it!) called Your Weekly Stack, and I'm so glad I did. My older son, 33, has autism, my younger son, 26, does not. I love them more than I love breathing (and wine, and that's saying something) and have done my best to guide them both. My older son, of course, is more challenging and, like you, I've watched friends fall away as their kids got married, bought homes, had kids, etc. It hurts sometimes, knowing my son will most likely never do that, but I don't dwell on it. I dwell on the progress he's made, what a good human being he is, how he makes me laugh. From your essay I can tell that you are a wonderful mom. It's lovely to "meet" you and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Welcome. Thank you for reading my essay, and for taking the time to comment. I look forward to future interactions. :)
This touches so many raw nerves, thanks for your openness and honesty. Your sons are lucky to have you as their mom. However, accolades are not why we are parents, giving unconditional love and support are my rewards. I never expect any return. My healing comes from being a better parent to my children than my parents were of me.
I love my grown boys every day. I wish I could do more for them. But now they are as exposed as I am in a world with little pity for our weaknesses. I appreciate my own late parents more than I was ever able or motivated to let them know. They were far braver than I realized and stalwart in their suffering. Thank you sincerely for your words.
It’s interesting how much braver previous generations were, but at the same time I think we would definitely rise to the occasion if we needed to. My friend gave me a plaque for my desk, it says “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
I also never thought about the world having no pity for weakness, but that is so true. I think that is why we work so hard to prepare our children for when we are gone. And what ever we do, it is never enough. At least that is how I feel.
Thanks. I’ll remember that quote. It’s so strange that although we are all “humans” that we are so far apart. Group/think, civilization, organizations, are not always the best avenues for “la dolce vita.” Best to you and yours.
I don't have any kids with autism but all three of my kids do have special needs as a result of early life trauma/inherited. I related so much to a lot of what you wrote. It feels good to read the words of other people in similar circumstances.
One line I particularly liked was this: "This by the way, is not me going “woe is me.” I am trying to simply explain that I don't know what typical parenting is like. So perhaps when I speak about parenting I am speaking of it from a different angle than most people." It truly is an entirely different experience but the desire to relate to other, normal parents is still there, at least for me.
Thank you for reading my essay. I am so glad that it reached you in some way. I would like more than anything for normal parents to understand our lives and be friends. It just hasn't worked out that way for me.
All my friends, even those with neurotypical children have at least 1 autistic child. I suppose for me, it has more to do with finding friends that you don't have to explain everything to.
But I am also at a very different stage than you are. My children are grown and still need our support. Unlike their peers who are getting married and having children of their own. I think many people who I was friends with pulled away as the children got older. I don't know if they didn't want to hear about the issues we deal with or they felt uncomfortable as the typical age related milestones were reached by their own children.
I hope i never showed I was jealous because I never was. I am happy for every one of these individuals as they get to dance at their children's weddings and become grandparents. I feel I live vicariously through their joy! (Silly I know, but I love seeing everyone else's happiness)
So I don't know why they all left, but that is just what happened. Maybe the issues we faced were just too much for them. Maybe I pushed them away somehow. Maybe they just didn't like me in general. I don't know anymore and honestly at 64 I don't care anymore. It used to hurt alot. It doesn't anymore.
This was a wonderful read. Thank you!
Thank you very much
I liked your essay a lot… but couldn’t figure out if “Nanny State” and “socialism”was snarky? The so-called nanny state provides vaccination, dental care, social workers, foster homes and even autism programs in some schools. I think these are good things for our children because not all parents can provide for their kids and not all are good parents.
I agree with you :), that’s why I wondered why you were using quotes around “nanny state”… the phrase is often used as a scare tactic by, for example, anti-vax folks, when in reality what we have is just a social safety net. Honestly, I feel we are nowhere close to either a nanny state or socialism.
Actually I don’t pay attention to antivaxxers so wouldn't even think of them when writing this post. In fact, I dismissed them along time ago especially with their nonsense about vaccines causing autism. My youngest son actually did a presentation in high school about it, refuting their garbage and ended with “I have been autistic my entire life, and there is nothing wrong with me.”
But I do know that there are countries out there which are nanny states, and I for one don’t want to live in one. And I agree, we are nowhere near that here in the US.
Not sure about antivaxxers but it’s a British term used by Tories for decades against laws ranging from mandatory seatbelts and age restrictions on cigarettes and alcohol to a tax on sugary beverages. Has nothing to do with governments telling you where to live and what you name your kids.
Being an American, this is how we view what the nanny state does. And there are quite a few countries that do tell people what they can and cannot name their children, Iceland, Denmark, Sweden and Germany just to name a few. And here are some of the countries that prescribe where a person can live: North Korea, China, Cuba, Eritrea, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.
And we do think of the nanny state when they try to tell us what we can eat and try to tax us for it, which is what Mike Bloomberg tried to do in NYC when he was mayor when it came to soda. It was a fiasco. In fact one famous story is that there were some people for some reason they had thousands of leftover bagels that they wanted to donate them to a homeless shelter, but because according to the City there was just a little too much salt in the bagel (which if you know anything about making bagels you need salt) the City destroyed the bagels instead of serving them to the hungry and homeless.
Another incident is the recent one in Georgia where a mother was arrested by social services because her 11 year old walked to the closest gas station to buy some junk food. They said she is required to track him now and report to the authorities. 1. she was not home at the time and her father was there 2. the child left the house without telling anyone 3. this pisses off Americans to no extent. Vulnerable children are being starved and beaten to death but the only thing the nanny state can do is arrest a homeschooling mother who believes in "free range" parenting. You know how children used to be brought up. So the nanny state is trying to tell parents how to raise their children and Americans will not stand for that.
There is a fine line of a social safety net, which every citizen is entitled to and it is considered part of the contract between the government and the governed, and the government running your day to day life.
Thank you for liking my essay. Actually what you are describing is not a nanny state but a government with a social safety net.
The nanny state is a government who feels the average person is too stupid to make life decisions so they make them for them.
Socialist nations, or nanny states, will go as far as telling you what you can name your child as well. They will tell you, that parents are not allowed to know what their children are taught, they will tell you where you can live, how you can live, and make the state the parent. Like most totalitarian governments.
You are an example of a courageously loving parent - parenting chesed. Interesting about our parents crossing over the river. My dad went first, but it was ok because mom was there. But when she died, an empty space opened never to be filled. Then came the thought that all things proceeding in order, as the oldest, I was next. That was a long time ago now.
I realized my own mortality 1 year after being diagnosed with breast cancer. It hit like a ton of bricks and I had a panic attack. But hopefully for both of us our own mortality will be decades away.
From all your posts I believe you are not just a parent, but a true heroine. I know, you’ll probably deny that, but in those difficult moments, you should know you’re a heroine.
Thank you, truly. And you are right. I do not feel like, or consider myself, a heroine. I do merely what any parent would do for their child, at any age, and any stage of development. 💖
This is beautiful. You obviously were and are a wonderful mother to your sons and will be for all your life.
Oh my goodness. What a supremely kind thing to say. Thank you so much.
Because it’s true. So you need to know it.
🥰
This is a topic where any of us could write 1,000 words without stopping and then immediately find those words riddled with contradictions and qualifications and yet still strangely true and authentic. One thing does seem constant—that value judgments of both parents and children and the gazillion decisions that go into screwing them up count for very little. It’s all in the heart, and you have a good one. That’s all that matters in any of us.
Thank you very much.
I had tears in my eyes several times as I was reading. You write beautifully. This piece is a masterclass on the power of the written word.
You are so sweet. thank you so much.