Kindness

Humanity, compassion, benevolence....

Sartre wrote that we are our choices. Now some may think this only applies to the big issues in life. Who you choose to marry, what kind of career you would like to have, where you choose to live. But in essence we make choices everyday about our lives. It is the everyday choices that embodies who we are in reality.

It is also said that a good life is about appreciating the little things; a sunset, a beautiful flower, the smell of freshly cut grass; the aromas of a house at holiday time. But, it is also the little things and how you deal with them that also decide whether you lead a good life or not.

The simple regular choices that we make on a daily basis will tell you more about who a person is and what you can expect of them. Whether it is good old fashioned manners of holding a door for the person behind you, having patience behind the wheel of a car, saying “please, thank you, and your welcome,” all add to a person’s character.

What is also indicative of a personality is what you do with your free time. Do you choose to spend in gambling, drinking, carousing? Or do you try to volunteer and help those less fortunate? Do you give to charity? Do you think of others? Do you make sure to help the elderly, check up on someone who lives alone, or say “hi” to a neighbor just because?

The government reminds us to look in on our neighbors during times of extraordinary heat or cold, or natural disaster, to make sure those living alone are cared for. We used to do that without being told, without the nanny state telling us that it is time for us to think of someone else. I find it sad that the government feels it needs to remind people that they need to think of others. Sadly, in truth, the government does need to remind people that we are part of a community. We have fallen very far.

It used to be expected within society that people would look out for each other. Communities would be formed to make sure that everyone had what they needed and when there was something out of the ordinary that occurs, the community would step in and help. Communities would also partake in each others joys as well.

Communities would support each other, stand up for each other, and work to make their little stretch on this earth a little better for everyone. You didn’t need government to do it for you, you did it because it was the right thing to do.

(Yes, I do know that there are still communities that care for each other. You find the kindness in many religious communities. People who are taught that there are greater things in this universe than themselves.)

I don’t know when everything changed in society. Or maybe society wasn’t as kind as I thought it was. Maybe I am being nostalgic, when in truth people were never that concerned for each other in the past. It did take legislation for the country to decide they have an obligation to educate persons with a variety of disabilities. It took legislation for businesses to make sure that the disabled had access to their stores, even government buildings had to be upgraded to be in compliance. It took legislation to make sure that the poor had access to medical care and food.

Yet, it just feels that within the world we live, that kindness is a thing of the past. Perhaps, it is gentility that is gone. A quality of propriety. That there were just certain things that were not said or done in the public sphere that is now lost. Does this make life more authentic? Perhaps. We see people for who they really are that way. (Yes, there are still those who remain hidden. They hide who they really are. But this is not who and what I am talking about. Those who hide their antisocial behavior are sociopaths and that is not topic of this essay.)

But there seems to be something lost on society when crude and rude behavior is the norm. What is wrong with simply not being a jerk? As I have written before and I said to my sons since they were little, “where ever you go in life there will always be 1 asshole. To have a successful life, don’t be that asshole.” I actually have to put that as a prerequisite in order to comment on my substack- see below.

We used to demand kindness in our leaders, too. Now it is almost de rigeur that we expect politicians to name call, to say outrageous and insulting things, to lie, or to cheat their way to the top. We expect our leaders to be unkind, and it’s almost a shock when they can hold a conversation, understand the world around them, and not blame others for their foibles. We truly deserve so much better. (Remember when AOC and MTG and Jasmine Crockett got into a bitch-fight in congress? Why do these women still have congressional seats? That should have ended their careers.)

Did it start with reality TV? All those years ago when Simon Cowell let loose his cruel and nasty remarks to those looking for some form of validation seems to be a starting point. Next thing you know all reality TV was about getting in that dig, the fight , the one-ups-personship (see what I did there). Then music, oh don’t get me started on music, where women were called “hoes and bitches,” and sex was relegated to abusing women. Movies and other forms of culture just deteriorated before our eyes. In fact, we do know now that abuse was actually rampant in all avenues of the arts industries, and continues to be rampant no matter what some would have you believe. Remember, this is who is leading our culture.

The influencers, the no press is ever bad press people, the get out in front no matter how you get there mantra, has led to nastiness where people threaten. Then there’s Swating, and strangers attack strangers because of a disagreement. Vile, putrid attitudes abound in the world that promotes gross uncalled for behavior. If it bleeds it leads, need to change in a world hooked on social media. It’s a news day when a celebrity “claps” back at a hater. Why? Why give unkindness any light of day.

When the culture disintegrates then there is very little left and everything goes by the wayside. If culture allows you to dehumanize others, then there is no need to be kind to think of others, to have a compassionate heart.

It doesn’t show weakness to be kind, to think of others, to be compassionate. In fact, it takes a sense of strength to think beyond yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, you are not supposed to think of others to exclusion of yourself.

The great Jewish sage Hillel, had said:

If I am not for myself who will be for me,

But, if I am only for myself what am I?

Hillel did not say that we need to care for others to the exclusion of ourselves. We can be kind and thoughtful after we care for ourselves. Tikkun Olam, or repairing the world, is all well and good, but not to the exclusion of your right to live. Kindness is a good thing, but we need to also remember that the Midrash teaches us;

Kindness to the cruel, is cruelty to the kind.

We need to remember that there are limits to kindness and who should be shown kindness. You do not need to show compassion to barbarians. You need not show benevolence to those who would take by force things that do not belong to them. You need not show humanity to the inhumane.

Kindness is a funny thing. It can make or break the world around you. The act of a stranger simply smiling at you can lift your spirits. A kind word, can make a day sunny. In a very selfish way, being kind makes you feel good about your day and yourself as well.

What we need to remember is that the way we hand a better world to our children is to teach the simple act of kindness.

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