I had a few more thoughts about your essay when I woke up this morning. One is that indifference is a good response because, as you say, why let hate rent space in your brain? Also, without indifference it would be hard simply to walk around in public. The occasions for suffering grievance are many, especially these days with so many antisemites running around. Indifference allows us to rub up against other people whom we have good reason to dislike without wanting to commit murder. It is a socially useful response in that way. On the other hand, it is a stance which keeps us somewhat removed from others, which is probably a good thing for the soul even if it puts a damper on things. I try and save my joy for joyous occasions with people who are worth it. The French have an expression: je est un autre, meaning ego is an other, I suppose. But hell, as Sartre wrote, is also other people. The trick, I guess, is to be observant, as in discerning. Religion teaches us that, which is one of its positive spinoffs. I used to be a sociology professor, which meant I had colleagues who drove me crazy. One day I returned home and told God I had had enough and asked Him to take care of my colleagues because I no longer could. As soon as I had uttered my request a weight lifted from my shoulders. A year or two later my colleagues made me chair of my department. The honeymoon did not last long because soon again I could no longer ignore their acting out. Recently I read they are still up to their old tricks, slamming Israel from their ideological perch as is their wont. But now I expect no less and so am not disappointed. When I switched sociological paradigms from critical theory to systems theory I learned that living with disappointment is the one great equalizer of modern society. So I no longer argue with antisemites; simply call them out and move on to the Jews to encourage them to be clear-headed about our enemies and do what we have to do to fix their clock and take back our land, then live there properly. No easy task, but one to which we can bend our wits and shoulders. Perhaps your son could focus on that.
I can't take credit for the quote about indifference, that came fro Eli Wiesel.
I too do not argue with antisemites. I remember the Sartre quote:
"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The antiSemites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
I’m a psychologist and I am circumspect about letter writing. Only do it if you can let go of any expectations of a response. It’s like forgiveness, it’s for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
Grudges when ruminated on can be corrosive - like the old saying “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. But perhaps they are self-protective as well, the memory of a grudge serves as a reminder to be aware and to maintain boundaries.
My oldest son was bitterly let down by all of his friends - cancelled actually - a few years ago. Do I still hold a grudge against those boys? The ring leader, yes. He was a young adult, he was cruel, and he should have known better. I still feel aggrieved about the whole episode, so I get what you’re saying about your son. But, in these and many other cases, I remind myself that karma’s a bitch.
Your son is very insightful. The Egyptians really haven’t changed much.
My GMA was a grudge holder and I decided not to be like her. Instead I pray for the person who hurt me or my kid. I imagine a loving light around them and work on forgiveness. Even if the person doesn’t change at least I feel good about myself.
I love your writing. I love your honesty. I love the way you detail our unresolvable contradictions. Tell your son for me he is right to hate the Egyptians because in 3500 years they have not learned a thing. If I were your son you would have the same travel limitations and your bank account would be equally happy. Chag Pesach sameach. Tomorrow I am publishing a piece that I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed this piece of yours.
As far as the retaining of resentment for 3500 years ago is concerned,
keep in mind that G_D destroyed the king of Egypt and his army in the Sea. G_D also destroyed their first-born of every family in Egypt at that time, which was their strength.
So the leftover people were not the strongly evil doers.
Notwithstanding the children’s documentation of their parents’ vocalization, however privately, of their excruciating nightmares of their holocaust experiences,
And the current suffering of released hostages or IDF members or even Israeli citizens who have been dislocated from their homes because of their enemies or have lost family members as a result of the same, or have been disabled or emotionally scarred, et cetera.
I think it is over the top to forgive/forget…
I cannot imagine that this applies to their respective pains.
Rather, the prayer of Havdallah which begins “Hamavdil …” where “the watchman” is quoted as having said “who will grant me rest? I am weary with my sighing; I drench my bed with tears every night. May my voice not be cast away! Open for me the lofty gate of prayer, because my head is full of dew, my locks with the dew drops of the night. Be receptive, Awesome and Fearsome One! When I cry out, grant redemption…”
This prayer is for them who suffered. And for those who suffered during the past two millennia al Kiddush HaShem.
‘I try to impress upon him that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.’ Is bang on in theory… I could go on here at length. So I will say, Sometimes … but for us mama bears, not so much. I am very much like you, if you mess with my kids, I will remember forever and always. Being at the point where someone is not important enough to hate nor be indifferent is a special place. I do think mothers fiercely protect their children and for some mothers, we do it for a lifetime. Hats off to you.
Regarding your quote “when we spill wine out of our glasses with the naming of every plague. We are taught to not take pleasure in the punishment of our enemies”.
So when I was a child and among my siblings and one was reprimanded for something done wrong, the rest of us were told in no uncertain terms that we should not smile or laugh because of this commandment in the Torah. And our father explained it to us.
Good one! I try not to hold grudges but I do remember. I find that if people show you who they are you should believe them.
Thank you. And exactly, trust your instincts when people show you who they are. Maya Angelou, a very wise woman.
I had a few more thoughts about your essay when I woke up this morning. One is that indifference is a good response because, as you say, why let hate rent space in your brain? Also, without indifference it would be hard simply to walk around in public. The occasions for suffering grievance are many, especially these days with so many antisemites running around. Indifference allows us to rub up against other people whom we have good reason to dislike without wanting to commit murder. It is a socially useful response in that way. On the other hand, it is a stance which keeps us somewhat removed from others, which is probably a good thing for the soul even if it puts a damper on things. I try and save my joy for joyous occasions with people who are worth it. The French have an expression: je est un autre, meaning ego is an other, I suppose. But hell, as Sartre wrote, is also other people. The trick, I guess, is to be observant, as in discerning. Religion teaches us that, which is one of its positive spinoffs. I used to be a sociology professor, which meant I had colleagues who drove me crazy. One day I returned home and told God I had had enough and asked Him to take care of my colleagues because I no longer could. As soon as I had uttered my request a weight lifted from my shoulders. A year or two later my colleagues made me chair of my department. The honeymoon did not last long because soon again I could no longer ignore their acting out. Recently I read they are still up to their old tricks, slamming Israel from their ideological perch as is their wont. But now I expect no less and so am not disappointed. When I switched sociological paradigms from critical theory to systems theory I learned that living with disappointment is the one great equalizer of modern society. So I no longer argue with antisemites; simply call them out and move on to the Jews to encourage them to be clear-headed about our enemies and do what we have to do to fix their clock and take back our land, then live there properly. No easy task, but one to which we can bend our wits and shoulders. Perhaps your son could focus on that.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply.
I can't take credit for the quote about indifference, that came fro Eli Wiesel.
I too do not argue with antisemites. I remember the Sartre quote:
"Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The antiSemites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
I’m a psychologist and I am circumspect about letter writing. Only do it if you can let go of any expectations of a response. It’s like forgiveness, it’s for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
Grudges when ruminated on can be corrosive - like the old saying “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. But perhaps they are self-protective as well, the memory of a grudge serves as a reminder to be aware and to maintain boundaries.
My oldest son was bitterly let down by all of his friends - cancelled actually - a few years ago. Do I still hold a grudge against those boys? The ring leader, yes. He was a young adult, he was cruel, and he should have known better. I still feel aggrieved about the whole episode, so I get what you’re saying about your son. But, in these and many other cases, I remind myself that karma’s a bitch.
Yeah, karma has a way of landing doesn't she?
Although we don’t necessarily find out, I believe so. The thought of it helps me let go of the grudge/resentment/ bitterness.
Your son is very insightful. The Egyptians really haven’t changed much.
My GMA was a grudge holder and I decided not to be like her. Instead I pray for the person who hurt me or my kid. I imagine a loving light around them and work on forgiveness. Even if the person doesn’t change at least I feel good about myself.
I'm not sure I can get to the point of praying for someone who hurt my child. I prefer karma. But I get it. I do. I'm just not that good of a person.
I love your writing. I love your honesty. I love the way you detail our unresolvable contradictions. Tell your son for me he is right to hate the Egyptians because in 3500 years they have not learned a thing. If I were your son you would have the same travel limitations and your bank account would be equally happy. Chag Pesach sameach. Tomorrow I am publishing a piece that I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed this piece of yours.
Thank you for the compliments. I am looking forward to reading your writing.
As far as the retaining of resentment for 3500 years ago is concerned,
keep in mind that G_D destroyed the king of Egypt and his army in the Sea. G_D also destroyed their first-born of every family in Egypt at that time, which was their strength.
So the leftover people were not the strongly evil doers.
They seem pretty evil enough over the years.
Notwithstanding the children’s documentation of their parents’ vocalization, however privately, of their excruciating nightmares of their holocaust experiences,
And the current suffering of released hostages or IDF members or even Israeli citizens who have been dislocated from their homes because of their enemies or have lost family members as a result of the same, or have been disabled or emotionally scarred, et cetera.
I think it is over the top to forgive/forget…
I cannot imagine that this applies to their respective pains.
Rather, the prayer of Havdallah which begins “Hamavdil …” where “the watchman” is quoted as having said “who will grant me rest? I am weary with my sighing; I drench my bed with tears every night. May my voice not be cast away! Open for me the lofty gate of prayer, because my head is full of dew, my locks with the dew drops of the night. Be receptive, Awesome and Fearsome One! When I cry out, grant redemption…”
This prayer is for them who suffered. And for those who suffered during the past two millennia al Kiddush HaShem.
‘I try to impress upon him that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.’ Is bang on in theory… I could go on here at length. So I will say, Sometimes … but for us mama bears, not so much. I am very much like you, if you mess with my kids, I will remember forever and always. Being at the point where someone is not important enough to hate nor be indifferent is a special place. I do think mothers fiercely protect their children and for some mothers, we do it for a lifetime. Hats off to you.
Being protective is life long. It comes with the territory.
Regarding your quote “when we spill wine out of our glasses with the naming of every plague. We are taught to not take pleasure in the punishment of our enemies”.
So when I was a child and among my siblings and one was reprimanded for something done wrong, the rest of us were told in no uncertain terms that we should not smile or laugh because of this commandment in the Torah. And our father explained it to us.
It is an important lesson and a very hard one for humans to keep.
Believe me, I had trouble keeping my mouth shut then.