Grudges

Umbrage, displeasure, grievance

So the question is how long do you hold a grudge? Should you hold a grudge? Does it do damage to you or to the person you are angry with? I suppose this goes along with hating on someone. As I have tried to teach my oldest since October 7th, hating doesn’t hurt the person or people you despise, it only hurts you. Deal with the issues they represent, but do not let them live rent free in your head.

I try to impress upon him that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Well, apparently my lesson has fallen flat. My son just announced to me how he doesn’t trust Egypt. Well we have really good reasons to not trust Egypt for any number of reasons. They haven’t actually been the best of friends to Israel, despite the peace accord, they call it a “cold peace.” They also helped Hamas smuggle in all kinds of weapons that were used to not only control the population of Gaza, but to create the underground terror tunnel network, and of course they smuggled in the arms used to attack Israel. They are also a virulently antisemitic society, where the Jewish community that had lived in Egypt since before Ancient Rome ruled the world, was ethnically cleansed in the 1950s. So, Nope. Not the epitome of a great society.

Yet, modern day issues are not the reason he doesn’t trust Egypt. He doesn’t trust Egypt because they enslaved the Jewish People over 3500 years ago. That’s right. He doesn’t trust them because of something that happened over 3 millennia ago. When I tried to explain to him that that is a really long time to hold a grudge he said its indicative of who the Egyptians are.

The Hatfields and McCoys have nothing on him.

(The first pogrom in Egypt was recorded in the first century in Alexandria when the Jews were actually celebrating Passover. This was not a Christian “deicide” pogrom, or a Muslim initiated pogrom, since Islam will not come into being for at least 6 more centuries. This was the local pagan Egyptians being angry because the Jews were celebrating Passover, remembering when they were able to free themselves from Egyptian oppression. )

I tried to explain to him that Passover is also not about holding grudges. It’s about freedom from enslavement. Nowhere in the Torah are we told that we should continue to hate on the Egyptians due to our enslavement. In fact, one of the major parts of the Seder is when we spill wine out of our glasses with the naming of every plague. We are taught to not take pleasure in the suffering of even our enemies. Well, the innocents at least. (Human reality being what it is, when Israel killed Yaya Sinwar we had a little party. Just like we celebrate that Haman was hung on Purim. Oh and those Hamas-leadership mug shots with X’s on them that is sent out by the IDF are feel good moments.)

Honestly, this did get me thinking about what exactly is a grudge. And does simply holding a grudge mean you are unreasonable? I understand that we are supposed to lean toward forgiveness, well Christians lean towards forgiveness, Jews not so much. We tend to lean to long term memory and figuring out who is going to try to kill us next and how to avoid it, and at present how to fight back. (It would have been better for Israel on October 7th, if they had leaned more into grudge and not into complacency. And why that day transpired the way it did, is going to be a discussion for decades to come.)

Psychologist though tend to teach us if we can’t lean toward forgiveness we should atleast try closure. It’s why they tell you to send a letter when having relationship issues to tell the other person how you feel.

I think that is bunk. Here’s why.

My maternal grandmother prior to my oldest son’s bar mitzvah had a fight with my mother. What and why is not important. But what is important is that I got put in the middle and because I would not side with her, my grandmother didn’t even bother to answer the RSVP. (I actually didn’t side with either. I figured they are grown ass women, mother and daughter, and they should be able to solve their own issues.) Not only did she not show up, or call me or have anything to do with the child’s bar mitzvah. She didn’t even send a small gift or say something to him. So in the end, she decided to take out the fight she had with my mother on her autistic great-grandchild.

The therapist said to send her a letter and tell her how you feel. But I remember when she had written to a relative and they never answered. So instead of calling and figuring out why this person never wrote back, she decided to write this person off. Turns out the person had died. Not that my grandparents should not have received a phone call about the death, but my grandmother was so narcissistic she decided that if the person didn’t respond then to hell with her. She didn’t care about letters. She held grudges.

She did the same thing with my cousin. Apparently, the cousin didn’t act properly when my grandfather had brought a present for her toddler. It was an old rocking chair that he was going to refurbish. My cousin had a really terrible reaction. Yelling at my grandfather about bring her child garbage. Needlesstosay, when the cousin and her child showed up for Shabbat dinner the following week, my grandmother would not let her in the house. She even had the baby with her. My cousin profusely apologized. But no. She was not let them into the house.

When my uncle called his mother to talk to her, and he said that she was turning away a great grandchild. At this point it wasn’t even about my cousin, but the joy of being a great grandmother, her reply was, “ I have other great grandchildren.”

So no a letter would not have done a damn thing.

And yes she has been gone for quite some time now. Lived to be 93 estranged from most of her grandchildren and all her great grandchildren because of grudges.

It’s why I have learned to try to not hold grudges.

Ok, well I did hold a grudge for a long time. Sort of still do. (My bad)

My younger son had a friend and they would get together every Friday night to hangout and surf the computer and whatnot. I would feed them dinner and they would have a good time. Then eventually, after years of this Friday ritual, when my son would call, the friend wouldn’t call back.

I called his mom to find out what the issue was. Listen, if he didn’t want to be friends with my son anymore his loss, but at least tell me the truth and I would have my son stop calling. Can you imagine how demoralizing it was for my son to call someone who was supposedly your best friend, and they never call you back? The only thing I heard from her was, “he can call if he wants to.” (Seriously, these boys were besties since 3rd grade and this was her response. They were in high school at this point.) I even called because I heard there was some kind of issue with the child and offered to support her. She never called back. (The school nurse actually pulled me aside and told me that nothing that was going on was my son’s fault. So apparently it was something, something.)

By the way, this woman knew my son was autistic.

Well, I decided she’s a cow and I wasn’t going to let it go. So if she was anywhere I was I decided to ignore her. In fact, one time when I was getting a manicure and she walked in, I did ignore her (yeah ok not being a grown up, but don’t shit on my kid.) And she loudly said to the entire salon,”I can’t believe she’s still mad at me.” If we saw each other on the street, I didn’t look her way, and just kept walking past her. She knew why.

I also never got an apology.

(By the way, I asked a friend who also has a disabled child if I was being too extra and she said no. I know this friend would tell me if I was.)

Meanwhile, the hubby who has the way of going with the flow, ran into this ex-friend and her husband one day and had a nice conversation with them. (He also doesn’t keep things like grudges in his head. He has no room for them, because he has too much else going on up there.) The ex-friend is doing great. Listen I am happy for the boy. I do not hold a grudge against a child. I am angry at the mom for not being a grown up and telling me up front what was going on.

I remember I spoke to the school’s vice principal at the time about the issue. She was my son’s go to person if there was a problem at school. I wanted to make sure that everything at the high school was copasetic. She said that it was quite normal for the parents to be more infantile than the child in these situations.

And yes, I still can’t believe it bothers me all these years later. Well, many things bother me all these years later as is quite apparent from this post.

Grudges, it seems, are a real part of the human experience. Blood feuds are written about and discussed because they destroy families and futures. Holding onto a hurt or a hate is not good. It does you no favors. As I said before, and will continue to say to everyone, and even to myself, there is no reason to let people live rent free in your head when you can’t change anything, and they are unwilling to reflect upon the hurt they caused.

Of course, it turns out that in some worlds, the honor-shame, or grudge reality, does cause lasting horrible damage and it is their way of life. Yet, it doesn’t really have to be a part of your world if you don’t let it in. That doesn’t mean not to recognize when someone is not good to have in your life. Abusers, narcissists, egomaniacs, even just general self-centered assholes are not positive influences in your existence and they shouldn’t be given a say in your world. That’s not holding a grudge to tell them to fuck off away. It’s protecting yourself and your right to be happy.

Meanwhile, my son is still not forgiving the Egyptians for the whole slavery thing. He is never going to visit Egypt he said. Never going to any country that ever persecuted Jews.

At this rate, considering Jewish history, we can go on vacation in the US, Israel, some parts of asia (maybe) and a Caribbean island or 2. But the vast majority of the 192 countries in the world are off limits.

My bank account thanks his obstinacy.

Holding grudges is still not good for him in the long run though. His therapist is working on it with him. October 7th and the worldwide aftermath of antisemitism didn’t help though.

IT IS DAY 545 OF THE HOSTAGES BEING STARVED AND HELD IN THE TERROR DUNGEONS OF GAZA 🎗️

Leave a comment but remember the rules. Anything nasty will be deleted.

Note: I have not activated paid subscriptions. But I have created a tip jar. HERE

On the other hand, if you feel that I have reached you in some way, please give to your local food bank or local animal shelter.