To paraphrase Mark Twain, history doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes.
2015 was a horrible year. My husband had business issues with all kinds of tax implication which took years to resolve, my mother was killed in a car accident leaving me the executor of her estate (when I tell you that some siblings really are not family, take my word for it), my sons both of whom have masters degrees graduated and could not even get job interviews in their fields, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
When I told the cancer center that the best thing that happened to me that year was that my cancer was 1A (less than 2 centimeters) and had not become invasive (meaning it had not metastasized), they sent me for trauma counseling. I spent the entire time in counseling talking about my mother’s death and hospice.
Forward to 2024 and the boys still don’t have jobs in their field and they have even switched fields (no interviews for you), the husband is facing ageism (don’t get me started how this country treats people over 65, well you can get me started but I do not promise to shut up about it), I no longer speak to my siblings (believe me when I say I went for counseling over this issue and I am in a good place), and I, as my regular readers know, have had some health issues over the last few months. Happily they are resolving and will resolve over the next year.
By the way, I have officially been cancer free since 2020. In truth I was cancer free after the lumpectomy, but they can’t say you are cancer free before 5 years after your treatments begin I suppose. (With my level of cancer, the doctor told me, it is really the only time they could even think to say I was cured. Normally they just say someone is in remission forever.)
In truth, on a personal level 2024, was also not the best year for our family- a rhyme, though not an exact repeat.
No, we are not in a war zone. Apparently there are over 100 known conflicts going on in the world today. Would you believe that the way the news is so laser focused on Israel-Hamas?
No one I love is a hostage in Gaza.
My child is not fighting in a war.
We have a roof over our head and food on the table.
But the future is precarious and unwritten.
Ok it is unwritten for everyone, except if you are one of those who believes everyone’s fate is mapped out before they are born, so this doesn’t apply to you I guess. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey… bullshit it’s also about the destination too.
It gives me the willies in a way that the next year is so very uncertain. There is no indication on how things will go or what will become of the future.
No, I am not talking about world events. I know for certain I have no control over events halfway around the globe. I knew it when I was a little girl when we used to have nuclear bomb drills. You know the ones where you hid under your desk, tucked your head into your knees and hugged yourself. Yeah, even as a child I knew that it was all bullshit.
On another note, in the same vein though, funny story, one day in 6th grade the teacher was talking about the christmas pageant that they would be having in school. Everyone had been assigned a country for the year to be responsible for and mine was Ireland. Not that I minded Ireland. Any country was fine with me. But I remember being incensed that they were doing a Christmas pageant and nothing for Hanukkah, so I asked to speak with her in the hallway. She of course refused and demanded to know what I wanted to talk about.
I, of course, didn’t really want to discuss it in front of the other children, but she wouldn’t relent. All I remember, being 11 years old at the time, is that I was so pent up by the time we got around to talking, I blurted out that there is another holiday called hanukkah and how could they celebrate Christmas when there was a war going on in Vietnam and people were dieing. (If you remember the war, every night Walter Cronkite would end his news broadcast with the number of KIA and MIA for the US and the number of KIA for the North Vietnamese).
Needlesstosay, my parents had a meeting with the school psychologist who told them I needed alot of psychiatric help because I didn’t understand the beauty and joy of Christmas. Well, by the time my mother got through with that psychologist, now as an adult, I am truly surprised that “doctor” didn’t resign her position. (There were many things someone did in life, mess with my mother’s children was not one of them.)
Oh, and I did get to do a presentation all about Hanukkah.
I also made cornbeef and cabbage for the Christmas pageant. My mother made a special green dress for me to wear.
This is a long way around for me to say, when things are unwritten in life, it gives me unease. I like to have direction and a way forward. Something to shoot for.
I supposed this goes back to my issue of reaching all of my goals by the time I was 40 and still not being able to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I need to have some end to shoot for.
Well, I know what I would like of course. I would have liked to have won the latest billion dollar lottery. Yes, I know money doesn’t buy happiness. Or so some ridiculous class at Yale tries to prove. Apparently, once people reach a certain income level, say $70,000, then the modicum of happiness generally remains the same. In fact, in some cases, as people get even richer there is less happiness because of competition and “keeping up with the Joneses.” (I audited that class on line. Dumbest premise ever.)
Meanwhile, raise your hand if you would like to test that “money doesn’t buy happiness” theory and would be willing to win the next lottery to try out the professor’s theory. (PICK ME, PICK ME)
Anyway, things are so influx right now that every day seems a bit of a challenge.
I know that I need to map things out and help the boys to reach their goals. Trying to figure that out now. It’s not so easy. I simply don’t know where the jobs are and it doesn’t seem anyone does (but hey we need more HB1 visas STAT. Native born Americans be damned)
I need to be there for the husband as he fights this battle against ignorance and age. This ageism crap reminds me of the plot of an episode on Star Trek the Next Generation. The Enterprise was visiting a planet where the lead scientist, who is turning 65, is being forced to commit ritual suicide due to age. When he refuses because he is not done with his research and wants to continue to live, his community basically excommunicates him. He cannot work anymore since he has no access to his work product. He cannot see his family since they will not speak to him. He has nothing left to live for so he ends up going through with the suicide. (At the time, back in the 1980s, 65 seemed just so old, but not dieing old. Now 65 really does feel like 25, well unless I try to bend down to pick up something off the floor or get up from the couch….but you know what I mean)
Back so long ago, in the era of shoulder pads and mullets, society really knew that 65 was just the beginning. Too bad though still today, the only people that can remain gainfully employed after 65 without a fight, work on Capitol Hill, or at the White House. The only place for a gerontocracy it seems is in our political class, old age relevance be damned for the lowly working man.
Oy, there is too much up in the air.
And as for me, well, I am healing and even had energy to write this post. I am going to start back to work in a few weeks (heck I got a small raise too) and will see what that future holds.
I think the beginning of 2025 is going to be difficult. I hope it doesn’t last for the entire year. But more and more I am not so sure.
Things are too influx.
Nothing seems certain.
Something just feels so off, yet I can’t put my finger on it.
Meanwhile, hors d'oeuvres, champagne, the ball drop and welcoming in the year 2025 C.E.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
And as the Irish wish (yes I know they aren’t the Jewish people’s favorite country right now)
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind always be at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
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Glad that you are well. Hope things w/be better for your spouse and kids. Some of what you are going/have gone through I share as many, many Americans do, each of us in our little bubbles. Reading some history facts and commentary, and even some very, very old newspapers, it's hardly new to think the abyss lay ahead. Of course, it does for some, but for most of us, we must plod along as best we can. The "spunk" in your tone tells me you are strong and righteous and your words are true and strong. Best wishes and thanks for your thoughts.
Dear EKB, I am so happy for you and your cancer. Having gone through it with my wife, let's just say, I understand. As to family. As the saying goes, "you can pick your friends, not your family". Family or friend if they are not willing to have your back then who needs them, certainly not you. You are too good, too strong, and too down to earth real to have to put up with that bullshit. Be strong, and remember the golden rule, do unto others before they do unto you. Shalom Dan