I’ve written about manners before. How they are important and what they tell you about a person. Interestingly, I had an interaction with an older gentleman at my son’s gym that got me thinking that the issue isn’t manners so much as it is respect for other people.
So here is what happened:
While my son was swimming I went out onto the patio and realized that instead of sitting and being idle I could do walking laps. This way I can keep an eye on what is happening inside the pool and get a little exercise at the same time.
Well, because the weather was getting nicer the life guards had put out the chaise lounges for the members. There were 5 chairs. I had my handbag with me and I didn’t want to put it down on the pavement or the grass. The pavement I was concerned would damage the neoprene and the grass means I would have all manner of buggies crawling in my handbag. I know technically neoprene should have been fine, but again, there are also creepy crawly things that could get in the bag if I put it down on the cement (the way the patio is built it is surrounded by a garden and I am not partial to bugs. I don’t kill them if I can help it, but I really don’t want them meandering around what I keep inside my purse.)
Now there was an older gentleman sitting on one of the lounges and I asked if anyone was using a chair that looked empty. I didn’t want to take a chair from a person for my handbag. He didn’t really pay attention and didn’t respond right away. After a few minutes he told me that no one was using that chair.
He then asked me if I was new to the gym. I told him “no.”
He then went on about how no one asks anything or inquires about chairs they just take them and I don’t have to ask either. In fact, he said no one asks anything they just do what they want at the gym.
Meanwhile, I moved the chair over to where I was doing my walking laps. When he saw what I had done, he mused that I was planning to put the chair back where I got it from when I left. And of course I said “yes.” He sort of laughed and said that is what he thought and I was being too nice or some sort of nonsensical ridiculous thing. At this point I had totally turned him off because I felt he was simply a jerk.
He then left. And yes, when I was done with my laps, I put the chair back where I found it.
But this got me thinking about how people interact with each other. First off let me say that for the most part, when we are at the pool, the vast majority of those who swim have manners and don’t simply push others out of the way. They wait their turn and then they swim their laps. If there is a question of priority, people tend to work it out in good humor. I find that swimmers are coming not just for exercise, but to find that little piece of zen in their world and the last thing they want is a kerfuffle.
Moreover, the entire idea that you don’t have to think of others, that there is not only no manners, but no respect for those around you, is anathema to how society should be run. And society includes any human interaction. Every place is its own society, whether its a nation, a state, a city, town, village, school, gym, supermarket. There are rules to follow, both written and unwritten.
I have tried to teach my children that if you want people to respect you in life, you need to show respect. Now of course, there will be those who take advantage, or those who don’t care how they treat others, but that is not the majority. Most people simply want a nice way forward and a kinder world around them. Most people are not looking for trouble no matter how many videos you see of people being entitled or demanding or downright ridiculous on YouTube.
And of course there is the person who demands you treat them with respect, but they don’t have to treat you that way. I have come across quite alot of those in my day, especially when it came to how they expected you to interact with their child, but they allowed their children to be bullies, selfish, or just horrible people. Because you know their “child’s shit doesn’t stink.” I call that the “not my child syndrome.”
(We have alot of that particular parenting perspective where I live. I have to say I am so glad that I am no longer dealing with the parents in my town vis-a-vis my own children. I really do think there is something wrong and entitled about today’s parents going back to when my sons where little. Maybe its really not new, maybe I just noticed it more because the parents in my town, and when we lived in NYC, allowed their children to simply be horrible to my autistic sons. Never let anyone tell you that having money is equal to having class.)
But it also got me thinking about the person who is so selfimportant that they don’t think they need to respect others. What exactly is that all about? You could say its an extreme form of narcism or egocentrism. That the rules don’t apply to them. Yes, this is also a form of sociopathology. But the sociopath does try to fit in when it suits them in order to garner whatever their end result is. And honestly, if their end wish is to remain a member of a gym they are going to follow the rules.
Yet in this case, this older man simply felt that not only could he be rude, but he insisted that I be rude as well. I was not sure what that actually meant except that he needed me to either validate how he treats others, or it is some sick game he plays trying to get other people thrown out of the gym for poor behavior. Needlesstosay, I did not oblige him. But I thought it was really creepy.
What kind of person insists that people be rude and obnoxious and disgusting to others? That really is the million dollar question right? What goes on in the mind of someone like this that they think its ok to be the consummate asshole in the world and others are just supposed to put up with that or follow their example?
Now of course, the issue today in the world is that so much respect has been lost for the systems we had in place in order that society runs well. People have basically lost faith in those who govern, or those who are supposed to provide some sort of protection in society. People are searching for a way forward. What is going to happen and how is society to be reshaped and what attributes are now going to be valued is truly up in the air. In other words, where do we put our respect?
Honestly, I do not have the answer to where society is going. But I do know one thing. If we want to have a nice place to live and a world we want to hand over to our children, we need to teach them how to deal with people in a decent and respectful manner. You don’t get to burn everything down and decide that is how to remake society. Anarchy is not, and has never been, a good societal model for human beings. For us to thrive we really do need order. To have order you do need to respect the rules.
One of these rules is how you interact and treat others. It of course, begins with respect. Treat others how you wish to be treated. It really is an easy rule to follow. I believe its an ancient lesson actually. Something about the golden rule, in something called the Bible.
IT IS DAY 586 OF THE HOSTAGES BEING STARVED AND HELD IN THE TERROR DUNGEONS OF GAZA 🎗️
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There is no contradiction in teaching children that they are special and important, but so are other people.