Thank you. But I view it as the boys are my heroes. They don't know it of course. But they work hard at navigating the everyday and sometimes it is not easy but they persevere. I actually wrote this years ago
I really appreciated finding this piece today. I'm in a similar boat at almost 40. Hating my job and realizing I need to change course, but pregnant with my first and unsure what to do next. If I try to change paths now, will I be stretched too thin to be a good mom? If I wait a few years, will I have too many factors (age, career change, time out of work) stacked against me to make it work? It's hard to know what you won't regret.
Well first and foremost, congratulations on the new baby. I hope you are feeling well.
Honestly as I look back, the biggest regret you want to avoid is regretting not having spent enough time with that baby. I highly recommend you take all the maternity leave you are entitled to. Not only will this give you time to heal and bond with the baby, but it will give you time to try to figure out what it is you want to do. Think about what makes you happy and then explore through online classes like Udemy or coursera and see what might make you happy.
Also, and this is from personal experience, ask yourself if you hated your job before you became pregnant or has it gotten worse the farther along you are? Is it what you do or your boss and the people around you that make you hate your job?
Taking all of your maternity leave might give you the time to figure this out for yourself.
I wish you an easy labor and may you and the baby be healthy and happy. All the best.
Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughtful response! First trimester has been tough, but I'm optimistic a less nauseous day will dawn soon... I'm lucky to have decent maternity leave, and I hope that gives me some time to figure things out. I wish you all the best on figuring out your next stage in life, too.
Great piece. I fully understand! I have always known what I wanted to be and have worked in it (and at it) all my life but have only accomplished a fraction of my goals.
It doesn't matter how successful others think you are - it means bupkiss. Only what YOU think about the quality of your work matters.
But: I have traveled widely and loved wildly. Every heartbreak was a new album :) I have awesome daughters and four awesome grandkids. And I found my best love at 60. And most importantly - I continue to learn. Aside from having children, there is nothing more important than learning, reading, getting better bit by bit.
As Nabokov wrote: life is but a sliver of light between two eternities of darkness. We must make the most of the illumination.
I'm 66 and at the urging of my (now) 36 year old autistic, depressive, anxiety ridden, ADHD, occasionally suicidal ideation son, had a full neuro-psych evaluation done at the end of 2019. All I can say is that the apple didn't fall far from the tree and I spent 61 years masking.
My son is married to an incredible woman who is also ND. My husband (#3 - had to get it right eventually, neh?) and I asked them to move in with us last year because we have a lot of house and rents in our area are absurdly high.
In my mind, the only thing I've ever done right is to have raised my son to be a caring, thoughtful, honest person. I had a career which ended in 1995 when I totaled my car and suffered lasting chronic damage to my body. Not knowing of my own ASD and ADHD, plus the host of other things, made navigating life a real challenge.
I fought a lot of battles on my son's behalf when he was younger. I spent a lot of time with him in therapist's offices, in school diagnostic testing because it was in the era prior to understanding ASD and I refused to put him on Ritalin, talking with school psychiatrists, and having school mediators sit in while I needed to threated a teacher with a lawsuit for abuse.
My son is all over the spectrum depending upon what's happening in his life. He's got 2 college degrees - a BA and a technical degree. His IQ is in the very high end. But when he gets ultra stressed, he becomes mute and starts stimming and rocking. He gets overstimulated and needs to block out the world.
I've learned so much about myself from HIM. He's taught me how to navigate being autistic. And I need to live as long as most of my grandparents and parents did, which is into my 90s, because I don't think he's going to do well without having me in his life. We love each other fiercely.
I salute your success. Parenting is the hardest work ever. I am grateful my kids have the mother they do, my wife, and I’m grateful she’s my wife. Your husband and kids are also very fortunate. Bravo 👏 👏
I’m 63, soon to be 64. What the turning 60 did for me was wake me up to the possibility of mortality. I looked around, everyone in my immediate family was gone, all relatively young. I was entering the time in my life that theirs was ending (in terms of age).
I think we all have regrets. Whether it’s finishing school, having a direction, relationships, goals. Nothing really ever seems to go according to plan. So many times you think you have it figured out and life throws you a curve ball. How we handle those situations define us, make us stronger and hopefully wiser. I’ve gone through time and time again the coulda, woulda, shouldas and what might have happened if I chose A over B or C over D. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. That never changed. I was in transportation for many years, helped a lot of people and made do with what I could. I didn’t quite reach the top of the mountain like I would have hoped, but in the end there were just too many walls to climb and too many things out of my control.
Your boys are blessed to have you and you are blessed to have them. Nowhere in your story were they ever one of those regrets. When you cared for them as unselfishly as you did, you basically knew what you wanted to be when you grew up without realizing it, and that is their mom, their protector, their guidance. From what you describe, they have done quite well and have you to thank. You appear to have made the best with what you’ve had to work with. I think maybe the regrets you have may have ultimately turned into a blessing and guided you towards being the strong fighter you are. It rubs off on people. In my book, you’re not an unimportant woman. You’re real and have a purpose, first to your boys even though they are older, and then to those who read what you write and get the message you profess. No more regrets ! I hope I got it right.
30 and 60 were the hardest ages for me. I just turned 61 last week. 60 shifted my thinking so much - realizing that I’m likely 3/4 or 2/3 through my life. Realizing I will never do the things I said I might do “someday.” I don’t even have any reasons for not having done them. I never had children (one of my regrets). Another regret is not pursuing a psychology degree. Instead I got an associate degree so I could get on with life faster and worked in the legal field for 40 years instead. Not as an attorney, but secretary, paralegal, manager at various times. At least 15 years ago I finally ended up in a job where I feel I actually help people (indigent criminal defense). I agree with another comment, that you have had the highest calling. Parents and teachers are the most important jobs in our society, but we don’t value them nearly enough as we should. Many of my clients would not have ended up where they are if they’d had childhoods where they were loved and cherished and supported. Anyway… I just wanted to comment because I get the 60 thing. I might have 20 more years if I’m lucky. Now I need to figure out how to make the most of them.
This is the holiest, highest, and fucking hardest job ever.
I appreciate this story very much—it's an important one to make visible.
I once had a conversation with a father of twins similar to my own yet one was fine the other severely disabled. Like my partner, he left but was able to admit, "I can't do this. It's too hard."
I have no advise and you are asking for it. I simply say, I see you and can't even imagine.
I have one daughter that does not have language skills. I trust the two nurses that help me with her for over 8 years now. The other speaks and I hear everything.
I know a woman who hides a camera in her home when she is not there.
I received some very good advice when my oldest was first diagnosed with autism. I was told to not worry about what will be with them in the future. Take every day as it comes and deal with what is in front of you at that moment. Then one day, you will look back and be amazed at how far your child has come.
I have taken this advice to heart and it keeps me sane and motivated as well.
My boys are now adults and we do have different issues going forward. They have never had intellectual disabilities so they are highly educated (multi graduate degrees). Right now is trying to get them jobs and be self sufficient. They do not have issues with life skills. It's more about getting the wider world to see their pluses and how much they could give to any employer or company.
I think you are really a hero. Your sons are extremely fortunate to have such a mother. You have chosen the highest calling.
Thank you. But I view it as the boys are my heroes. They don't know it of course. But they work hard at navigating the everyday and sometimes it is not easy but they persevere. I actually wrote this years ago
https://autisable.com/2012/02/13/the-unsung-heros-journey/
I really appreciated finding this piece today. I'm in a similar boat at almost 40. Hating my job and realizing I need to change course, but pregnant with my first and unsure what to do next. If I try to change paths now, will I be stretched too thin to be a good mom? If I wait a few years, will I have too many factors (age, career change, time out of work) stacked against me to make it work? It's hard to know what you won't regret.
Well first and foremost, congratulations on the new baby. I hope you are feeling well.
Honestly as I look back, the biggest regret you want to avoid is regretting not having spent enough time with that baby. I highly recommend you take all the maternity leave you are entitled to. Not only will this give you time to heal and bond with the baby, but it will give you time to try to figure out what it is you want to do. Think about what makes you happy and then explore through online classes like Udemy or coursera and see what might make you happy.
Also, and this is from personal experience, ask yourself if you hated your job before you became pregnant or has it gotten worse the farther along you are? Is it what you do or your boss and the people around you that make you hate your job?
Taking all of your maternity leave might give you the time to figure this out for yourself.
I wish you an easy labor and may you and the baby be healthy and happy. All the best.
Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughtful response! First trimester has been tough, but I'm optimistic a less nauseous day will dawn soon... I'm lucky to have decent maternity leave, and I hope that gives me some time to figure things out. I wish you all the best on figuring out your next stage in life, too.
Great piece. I fully understand! I have always known what I wanted to be and have worked in it (and at it) all my life but have only accomplished a fraction of my goals.
It doesn't matter how successful others think you are - it means bupkiss. Only what YOU think about the quality of your work matters.
But: I have traveled widely and loved wildly. Every heartbreak was a new album :) I have awesome daughters and four awesome grandkids. And I found my best love at 60. And most importantly - I continue to learn. Aside from having children, there is nothing more important than learning, reading, getting better bit by bit.
As Nabokov wrote: life is but a sliver of light between two eternities of darkness. We must make the most of the illumination.
Your friend in regret: George G 😊
I'm 66 and at the urging of my (now) 36 year old autistic, depressive, anxiety ridden, ADHD, occasionally suicidal ideation son, had a full neuro-psych evaluation done at the end of 2019. All I can say is that the apple didn't fall far from the tree and I spent 61 years masking.
My son is married to an incredible woman who is also ND. My husband (#3 - had to get it right eventually, neh?) and I asked them to move in with us last year because we have a lot of house and rents in our area are absurdly high.
In my mind, the only thing I've ever done right is to have raised my son to be a caring, thoughtful, honest person. I had a career which ended in 1995 when I totaled my car and suffered lasting chronic damage to my body. Not knowing of my own ASD and ADHD, plus the host of other things, made navigating life a real challenge.
I fought a lot of battles on my son's behalf when he was younger. I spent a lot of time with him in therapist's offices, in school diagnostic testing because it was in the era prior to understanding ASD and I refused to put him on Ritalin, talking with school psychiatrists, and having school mediators sit in while I needed to threated a teacher with a lawsuit for abuse.
My son is all over the spectrum depending upon what's happening in his life. He's got 2 college degrees - a BA and a technical degree. His IQ is in the very high end. But when he gets ultra stressed, he becomes mute and starts stimming and rocking. He gets overstimulated and needs to block out the world.
I've learned so much about myself from HIM. He's taught me how to navigate being autistic. And I need to live as long as most of my grandparents and parents did, which is into my 90s, because I don't think he's going to do well without having me in his life. We love each other fiercely.
I think if you raised your son right then that is what is most important.🩷
I salute your success. Parenting is the hardest work ever. I am grateful my kids have the mother they do, my wife, and I’m grateful she’s my wife. Your husband and kids are also very fortunate. Bravo 👏 👏
Thank you.
I’m 63, soon to be 64. What the turning 60 did for me was wake me up to the possibility of mortality. I looked around, everyone in my immediate family was gone, all relatively young. I was entering the time in my life that theirs was ending (in terms of age).
I think we all have regrets. Whether it’s finishing school, having a direction, relationships, goals. Nothing really ever seems to go according to plan. So many times you think you have it figured out and life throws you a curve ball. How we handle those situations define us, make us stronger and hopefully wiser. I’ve gone through time and time again the coulda, woulda, shouldas and what might have happened if I chose A over B or C over D. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. That never changed. I was in transportation for many years, helped a lot of people and made do with what I could. I didn’t quite reach the top of the mountain like I would have hoped, but in the end there were just too many walls to climb and too many things out of my control.
Your boys are blessed to have you and you are blessed to have them. Nowhere in your story were they ever one of those regrets. When you cared for them as unselfishly as you did, you basically knew what you wanted to be when you grew up without realizing it, and that is their mom, their protector, their guidance. From what you describe, they have done quite well and have you to thank. You appear to have made the best with what you’ve had to work with. I think maybe the regrets you have may have ultimately turned into a blessing and guided you towards being the strong fighter you are. It rubs off on people. In my book, you’re not an unimportant woman. You’re real and have a purpose, first to your boys even though they are older, and then to those who read what you write and get the message you profess. No more regrets ! I hope I got it right.
Thank you so very much!
30 and 60 were the hardest ages for me. I just turned 61 last week. 60 shifted my thinking so much - realizing that I’m likely 3/4 or 2/3 through my life. Realizing I will never do the things I said I might do “someday.” I don’t even have any reasons for not having done them. I never had children (one of my regrets). Another regret is not pursuing a psychology degree. Instead I got an associate degree so I could get on with life faster and worked in the legal field for 40 years instead. Not as an attorney, but secretary, paralegal, manager at various times. At least 15 years ago I finally ended up in a job where I feel I actually help people (indigent criminal defense). I agree with another comment, that you have had the highest calling. Parents and teachers are the most important jobs in our society, but we don’t value them nearly enough as we should. Many of my clients would not have ended up where they are if they’d had childhoods where they were loved and cherished and supported. Anyway… I just wanted to comment because I get the 60 thing. I might have 20 more years if I’m lucky. Now I need to figure out how to make the most of them.
Well those last decades are what are confusing me too.
This is the holiest, highest, and fucking hardest job ever.
I appreciate this story very much—it's an important one to make visible.
I once had a conversation with a father of twins similar to my own yet one was fine the other severely disabled. Like my partner, he left but was able to admit, "I can't do this. It's too hard."
I have no advise and you are asking for it. I simply say, I see you and can't even imagine.
I have one daughter that does not have language skills. I trust the two nurses that help me with her for over 8 years now. The other speaks and I hear everything.
I know a woman who hides a camera in her home when she is not there.
Sending you a big hug
Sending a big hug back.
I received some very good advice when my oldest was first diagnosed with autism. I was told to not worry about what will be with them in the future. Take every day as it comes and deal with what is in front of you at that moment. Then one day, you will look back and be amazed at how far your child has come.
I have taken this advice to heart and it keeps me sane and motivated as well.
My boys are now adults and we do have different issues going forward. They have never had intellectual disabilities so they are highly educated (multi graduate degrees). Right now is trying to get them jobs and be self sufficient. They do not have issues with life skills. It's more about getting the wider world to see their pluses and how much they could give to any employer or company.
I Believe you and in. them. My twins are 27 now. The situation is very different.
If you are interested, I just wrote a piece called "Crawling Into Life" They are the source of my writing and living, and there is more.
Thank you for being a strong advocate.
Absolutely