Raising men

Celebrating the differences....

What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?

I am going to say something sacreligious. I detested the “Barbie” movie. (By the way, I also detested “Oppenheimer” for many of the same reasons, even if they weren’t apparent. ) Reports say that Shakira also hated that movie for much of the same reasons I did. I thought it was boring and derivative. I felt the tropes were old hat and not indicative of reality. The movie presented males as either eunuchs (Ken without the genitalia), or toxic jerks (think misogynist pig and toxic abuser). Apparently in Barbie’s world men only appeared in 2 extremes.

And while we all know that such men exist in many cultures (even if those chanting in favor of Islamists on our streets don’t truly understand this reality), the society in which we live has been working on putting an end to what it deems the bad psychology of being male. (I would have really liked if they had also decided to work on ending the bad sociopathology of being female, which unfortunately, instead seems in many respects to be celebrated.)

This perspective of “the evil male” has developed a schism in our society, especially in schools, the dropout rate for boys has reach epidemic proportions. But this was not something that happened over night. Nor was it pandemic related. The War on Boys was written almost 25 years ago. The signs were there. The problem was generations in the making.

Yes, toxic masculinity, boys will be boys, and the old-boys club perspective of society needed to be revamped, way back when. While 1st and 2nd wave feminism worked to eradicate these old chauvinistic mainstays, the issue became what exactly should come next.

For some ungodly reason society had to see the rise of women as the fall of men. We had to extol feminine virtues as we excoriated the male ones. But a healthy society isn’t really a zero-sum game. Simply because women could stretch their horizons didn’t mean that the males had to descend into an abyss. But that is exactly what happened. That is exactly what has been celebrated.

When my sons were is high school, I was still that helicopter parent. One day my husband took me aside and told me I had to stop. That one day our sons would be men, and they needed to be able to be men. Interestingly, when I related this conversation to another mother of sons she told me her husband had just said the exact same thing.

So I had to find a new way to parent. To remember that I wanted to raise my baby boys to become adult males- men.

It seems to me that society writ large has forgotten the virtue and beauty of men is that they quite frankly are male. There is something magnificent about the human male. There is a beauty in their need to be supportive, work, and care for a family. There is a beauty in men who give all to their family, and find it imperative to make sure that those around them are happy and content. There is a beauty in men who are not afraid to show their love, their kindness and their goodness. There is a beauty in men who will also know when they are outmatched and defer to the females in their lives. There is a beauty in men taking responsibility and being an adult.

We need to remember that men are different than women and give different things to society. I am not talking about gender roles. I am acknowledging that male and female brains work differently. They see problems differently, they attack problems differently. They resolve problems and issues differently, and in many cases have different priorities when concluding an issue. This is not a bad thing. Society is able to evolve and develop because we have a myriad of ideas that are discussed and on which we compromise.

Diluting how we resolve issues and problems leads to weaknesses in society. It leads to a lack of cohesions, of schisms, and of rancor.

The disappearance of the male in society is the downfall of society. Ask any young woman if they plan to marry and many will tell you there is no one to marry. Not that there aren’t young males in the world. The problem is, is that they are not young men. They can barely take care of themselves, never mind the need to be able to participate in the care of a family.

I learned my lesson and raised my sons to be men (along with their father. Of course not all women get the luxury of having partner). It begins in the home. It begins with knowing that one day your child is going to be an adult and letting them get there. It also begins with knowing that men and women are different from birth, and it is time to celebrate those differences once again for the good of society.