Holidays

Just don't forget selfcare...

I am going to begin this essay with a repost from my deleted blog called “Raising Asperger’s Kids.” You can find the original on the Way Back Machine HERE

There are also links to age appropriate topics HERE. Some are available and some are not. You will simply need to click the link to find out if they can be accessed. The sidebar links also work.

There were many reason I decided after 10 years of writing to remove the blog from general view, not the least of which was that emotionally I found it was time to move on. I had nothing more to say on the topic. But you can find alot of what I wrote through the link above.

But the essay below is one I do like to revisit.

October 22, 2011

Last year I wrote a post and called myself a Grinch. We are raised that we are supposed to revel in this time of year. We are taught that our entire society lives or dies based upon a few short hours on certain given days. That somehow if we do not participate in these celebrations, as prescribed by some holiday-deity (I'm talking Hallmark or Norman Rockwell here, not God Almighty), then we have forfeited our right to be happy at this time of year. Well, as the US commanding general at the Battle of the Bulge, once said to the Nazis when asked to surrender, I say "nuts" to anyone who thinks that we cannot stand up and be happy.

Honestly, I do love this time of year (Bit of a change for me from last year I know. Maybe my temperament is better- fewer menopause symptoms- or this post is up earlier than last year's Grinch post.) but I also hate this time of year (OK remembering what is to come). Oh I love the sights, the sounds and the smells. The boys love these things, not so much. When they were little it was the sensory overload that got to them. Too much of everything crammed into just a few short weeks that spills over into a hullabaloo of relatives, and an unknown and uncomfortable social reality. On Thanksgiving they used to hide in my sister-in-law's basement away from the crush of people and watch TV or play their video games. They sat quiet by themselves while everyone else "holidayed." We, of course, would check on them periodically and on most occasions their younger cousins would sit with them and watch their dvds as well. But it was not enjoyable for them. Their holiday experience was sorely lacking.

I know the theory behind the "get togethers" for them, has to do with getting to know your relatives and understanding that there are people in the world who are attached to you in some way. But that is not what the boys learned. What they learned is that whenever they see a relative they are uncomfortable, feel overwhelmed and quite frankly would rather be somewhere else. There is no connection to these people they see once a year. There is no attachment. They don't even remember people's names.

Honestly I have a passel of relatives who I never see or hear from. Genetic "family" connection in my book is over rated. What you need to do is develop a "family" that will be there for you when you need them. Biology doesn't mean a darn thing at times. You are lucky when the two "families" connect but in my expereince they very rarely do. At least that is what happened in my world. Sadly you don't need to be a special needs family to be distant from those that are supposed to have your back. It's hard and it hurts, when you come to realize just how alone you may truly be in this world. But you are better off creating your own support network "family" then accepting an inadequate one. Create the world you want to live in, I always say. You don't have to accept the one you are given if it is YOU always giving and not receiving. You don't have to accept the "family" you were born into if it makes you unhappy, unfulfilled, or feeling alone.

Looking back, which we tend to do when our children get older, I probably should not have made them go to SIL's. It was uncomfortable for them and for some reason we just thought that they would adjust. How wrong we were. They were not happy there among the throngs. We were nervous about how they would handle the get togethers.We were always on pins and needles waiting for a meltdown or and inappropriate interaction. I realize that no matter what anyone understood, and we come from an understanding extended family, they didn't get it. It truly wasn't their fault. I also know that if something did happen the extended family would be supportive. That was not the issue. It was the fact that quite frankly for us (parents and especially children), there was no joy, just alot of tension.

What I think we needed to do, quite frankly, is to give ourselves permission not to go to the SIL's.

Well that finally happened last year. Guess what? We had a nice day. I made a holiday meal. I set a holiday table. We enjoyed the quiet and the comfort of our own home with no crush of sensory stimuli. We watched what we wanted on television. The boys and hubby did their work and all went according to plan. It was nice. It was quiet. It was peaceful. I plan to do it again this year.

I modeled our Thanksgiving after how we celebrate the Jewish holidays. We tend to celebrate the Jewish holidays on our own. Family does not fly in for the celebrations. They do not make an effort to get together. So we have our own little rituals and our own little ways of doing things. This past Jewish New Year, son1 actually asked if I had gotten certain celebratory foods. It's actually a fancy crudite platter that I buy from a local caterer every major holiday. It means something to him. It means holiday to him. It means a happy fun time, where he is not overwhelmed by noise, smell or sights. It means comfort and joy. It means calm. So I will buy that platter this year on Thanksgiving once again. I will make a small turkey breast, buy stuffing and a massive chocolate cake (we don't like pie).

I know catering sounds rather extravagant. (I admit it, it is) But my stuffing last year was a very sad affair. Heck, not even the dogs ate it. I have no idea what happened there and after three attempts I just gave up. You really don't even want to try my baking. It's truly noxious. I am the only one who ruins those pre-baked cookies from the supermarket. Honestly, it is not my forte. Listen one of the good side effects of getting older is that you can readily accept what you are good at and what you are not. I happily admit I can't bake, iron and I hate gardening or doing any outdoor work. Little House on the Prairie I am not. But cleaning a toilet doesn't bother me (Just give me cleaning gloves, Clorox clean-up and toilet bowl cleaner and I am ready and raring to go)...go figure.

So anyway...As I said one of the things you learn as you age is that you need to do what is best for you and those in your immediate family, i.e. your children. If people truly love and care about you they will understand. If they don't understand, well, then they are not really family, no matter what the genetics say.

Create your own holiday memories and traditions. Even if its only the fact that you buy a silly crudite platter. These are the things that YOUR child will learn to appreciate, understand and associate with love, family and happiness. It's OK. Really It’s OK.

*******

So 13 years later I have not changed my mind at all. You need to do what is best for your children and for your family, before anyone else. In truth, you also don’t need to be the parent of autistic children to decide to do what is best for you when it comes to a holiday or any celebration. In fact, acknowledging when you need selfcare is a very important part of becoming an adult.

Meanwhile, one of the things I have taken to heart over the years is the idea that we are also entitled to selfcare at this time of the year. Well, you are entitled to selfcare at all times, even though it may be difficult to put into play merely because of circumstances. But you should try.

Now what would that look like exactly? It could be as little as taking 15 minutes to sit quiet and have a cup of tea with a cookie, to writing an essay on substack (that takes more than 15 minutes, but you can jot down ideas, or edit a piece that already exists), to going for a walk around the block, to going to stand outside even in the cold for 5 minutes. This helps you get your bearings.

We know this is important, because it is mandated across states, that workers are entitled to breaks. I know that the company I work for allows you 15 minute breaks every 4 hours. My boss tells us to walk away from our desk, go stand outside, do anything that is not related to work. This is meant to rejuvenate yourself and to actually make you a better worker. You recharge and regroup. They used to call it a coffee break. Not sure what we need to call it today? But being that I work from home, you can be rest assured that I am not doing laundry or household chores during my breaks.

Selfcare at this time of year is essential. It is actually something women, who lets be honest here, do most of the heavy lifting for any holiday, need to remember to do for themselves. Men show up and they fry a turkey in the backyard and think they have accomplished so much, especially if they don’t set the house on fire. But no one ever thinks, who bought the turkey, who did all the food shopping, put together the menu, found the decorations in the attic, untangled everything, bought and wrapped presents, sent out the cards or email updates (I used to receive so many of those but as everyone got older, my friends who sent those out just couldn’t be bothered anymore, and I used to get some really good ones too-epic poems, full story boards), if your children are in school you help organize teacher presents, helped the kids with the holiday (dare we say Christmas) concerts (it’s only a hanukkah concert if your child is at a yeshiva, but every public or private school winter pageant does have that obligatory dreidel song-nothing ever about the Maccabees though. Wouldn’t want anyone to think that the story of Hanukkah was based on real life events where the indigenous Jews of Israel expelled their imperialist Assyrian-Greek overlords) and still shuttled everyone where they had to go as they went about their normal everyday events as well.

Ok yes, the husband is usually the ones who hang all the outside decorations. (I also have to be honest. I went full assimilation and had the husband hang blue and white lighted dreidels and menorahs on the mantel. That’s my ketubah and shabbat candlesticks on the mantel as well, as some chinese characters with good wishes. Is that cultural appropriation? Do we still have to worry about being canceled? ), but also as they get older maybe it’s not such a good idea for the husbands to be climbing on rooftops. I think that is why you see lights only hung around lamp posts and banisters. You know that in that house there are senior citizens. Sometimes the lights are strewn around fir trees that have been planted near the front door, as well. Sometimes there is just a wreath (and of course it’s the women that buy the door wreaths, too)

The truth of the matter is, for some reason, we all get caught up in this time of year and decide that without the societal mandated trappings that somehow we have not been true to ourselves and we are depriving those we love with a joyous time of year. With that though, the actual meaning of the holidays disappear into the maelstrom of societal machinations. The spiritual is lost.

Let’s be honest for a moment. There is also no reason to go into debt for any holiday. There is no reason that you should exhaust yourself to the point that you cannot enjoy the holiday. I did that once along time ago, way before the boys were even born. I had invited alot of people over for Jewish New Year. I spent a week cooking and cleaning in order to prepare for the holiday dinner. But when the dinner came, I was so tired that my MIL told my husband to go put me to bed. (The food was really good though.)

You need to pace yourself. You need to step back and take a moment to think things through and allow your body to stop. You need to listen to your body and when it says it is tired you need to give in to that tiredness. You need to rest. You need to revamp. You need to recharge. If something doesn’t get done the way you think it should, well rethink what it should be.

Basically love yourself enough to give yourself a break. This way you will have the energy to enjoy the important parts of the holiday, being with those you love, even if that is only yourself and a pet.

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