Forgiveness

Contrition, atonement, amends....

This has been a terrible year. At first I walked around in a stupor and in so much emotional pain that I simply could not process it. I ignored it. I watched as Israel fought for her life. I watched as antisemitism personified the western elite. I watched as life dramatically changed forever. I watched as my security, my belief in freedom, my sense of belonging was taken away from me, and especially from my children. I relived childhood memories of being othered, being on the receiving end of someone else’s ignorance, and the enveloping societal condescension of my youth playing out in my adulthood. It made me furious. It made me angry. It made me hate.

I am sad to admit it. The hate welled up inside me. It created a demon that would not let go. It changed who I thought I was. It changed what I wanted to accomplish in life. It changed my relationships. It changed my perspectives. In effect, it changed me and not for the better. Oh yeah, I admit it. I let hate get the better of me.

I realized though, that if you allow hate to live rent free in your head, the only one that is harmed is you. The situation, the person, the target of your hate, feels nothing. Your anger does nothing to harm them, to change them, to rid the world of them. The only thing that hate does is destroy your soul. The only victim of your hate is your humanity.

Reflection of how you have been and where you need to go is part and parcel of introspection. It is what we do as we celebrate Rosh Hashanah. We begin the 10 Days of Awe required to look at ourselves and to come to terms with who we have been over the preceding year. Oh many will seek Hashem’s forgiveness. But we can only ask his forgiveness for the transgressions against him.

In the prayer books for Rosh Hashana we think about who we are and how we can do better. We are concerned for the sins we have committed. We actually have a service where you can take a rock and throw your sins away into any system of running water. Tashlich it is called. A symbolic way of washing away that which we did wrong before God.

Unfortunately, I am not so ready to forgive him for the past year.

Yes, we all know that Hashem has given humans the ability to make life choices. Hence, it is said, that the evil that humankind produces is not God’s fault. But is it not?

Apparently, the only caveat to free will is that we need to live with the consequences. But what if those choices are not because you did anything wrong, but that the choices of someone else has had a deleterious effect upon your life? How is this not hashem’s fault? After all, he gave every person, good or bad, the same level of agency.

The choices that some humans have made since last October 7 sticks in the craw, and the question remains, if Hashem is so just, where is the justice of that day and the hate that has wellspringed up around the world? What kind of person celebrates the barbarism of that day? And why does God think of them equal to those that celebrate goodness and righteousness? For we are all considered God’s children, endowed with this powerful ability of choice.

On the other hand, any fault we have committed within the world we live, we need to ask forgiveness from our own community. It is why there was a movement when social media was first born, for Jews to post generalized apologies to the community asking for forgiveness. I left twitter/facebook/insta years ago, so I don’t know if that is still done. But I think it is an empty gesture.

If you hurt someone, you need to ask forgiveness from them personally. Not simply post a generalized get out of jail free card. You need to take agency for what you have done, or not done if the case may be, and ask the pardon of the one you hurt.

But you also do not have to admit any wrong doing simply because another person has accused you. Perhaps you are not to blame. Perhaps you were standing up for yourself, and they simply did not like that. Perhaps the person accusing you of wrongdoing is the cruel one in the relationship. Perhaps the person accusing you of being selfish is the selfish one. Perhaps the person who is accusing you of crimes toward them, is actually the criminal. It is an interesting conundrum really. There needs to be a line between asking for forgiveness and also remembering your self worth. Not everyone demanding an apology is worthy of your contrition.

Yet, there is an even more difficult question to answer. Who do you ask forgiveness from if you hurt yourself? Do you forgive yourself that you are not perfect? Do you forgive yourself that you in the end are simply human and allowed human emotions to overtake you? Do you forgive yourself knowing you could have, and should have, done better? Do you forgive yourself because you taught self-love to your children, but didn’t follow your own teachings? Do you forgive yourself your hypocrisy?

I have written about anger and fury in the past year. I have written about a need to find ourselves in a better place. I have written about the things I feel I have lost and the things I love. I have written about a changing world that I simply cannot comprehend. I have questioned and thought and wrestled and chimed in about all manner of ideas and thoughts. But what I have not done until now is really take a good hard look at what the past year has done to me, to my soul.

We do not make “New Year’s resolutions” in the Jewish religion: I resolve to lose weight or exercise more; I resolve to write that novel, or look for a job I don’t dread; I resolve to call my parents more (well you should do that, because one day they will be gone and you will not be able to call them ever again.); I resolve to travel or volunteer my time.

On the other hand, I do resolve to forgive myself for allowing myself to fall short of my own expectations. Hate never accomplished anything. It certainly didn’t help me over the year. Now, remember, fighting against hate this doesn’t mean we do not know who the enemy is, or that we stop working to turn the society back around to something worth saving. Sadly, though, when you allow yourself to hate, you lose yourself. It stops you from transforming into who you can ultimately become. Because when you allow hate to take over it takes from you your soul.

Your soul is what gives you joy, it is what allows you to move forward day after day, it is the belief in a future. Yet, if you hate what kind of future are you going to create?

Hate is a destructive force that ruins who you are and what you can be. In truth, the ultimate very human question becomes, why do we give so much power to something that adds no benefit to our lives and only takes and takes and takes.

So even though we do not make New Year’s resolutions on Rosh Hashanah, I do resolve to work on being a better person. I resolve to not let hate win. For if hate wins, then our enemies will have ultimately won, because hate will change who we were meant to be and in the end it will tarnish our souls.

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