Control

Organizing, directing, procuring, planning....

I am a planner. I sit and think of every possible outcome for every possible choice I have ever made. I then make plans how to react, what to do, and how to resolve any issue that arises. I like to say that I have figured out Plan A thorough Plan Z, and then I start on Plan AA, Plan BB, Plan CC, and so on. Life has taught me that whenever I am ill prepared for a situation, the worse happens, and I am caught unaware and off guard.

The husband likes to say I am a “control freak.” Perhaps I am. I do not know. But what I do know is, in raising 2 sons who are on the autism spectrum, whenever I didn’t prepare for issues or concerns when it came to school, or doctors, I found myself floundering for how to handle a problem. So, to combat my fear of not being in fighting form I would go through every issue I thought could arise at any given moment when it came to the boys vis-a-vis their education and tried to preempt any problems. Of course, unfortunately, that was never enough. Just because son1 had successfully negotiated a grade at school didn’t mean there wouldn’t be problems with teachers and administrators during son2’s same year in school.

And yes, there were any number of times, I would have to go to the director of special education in my school district and outline a rather involved lawsuit I was going to bring against the school district. Lucky for me the people running special education at the time listened to me. I think it also helped that we are both lawyers, and my specialty is knowing the ins and outs of special education law. (Now I never actually practiced. But, I armed myself with knowing my child’s civil and educational rights.) It also helped that the ultimate decision makers at the time in my school district were wholly invested in making sure that special education students received the same level of education that typical students received. This was not the case in the school district where we had initially lived. Yes, we were one of those migrants. Moving to a better school district in order to protect our children.

This should not have to be in the US. Public education, especially public education of those with disabilities is an embarrassment in a nation that prides itself on being the freest and wealthiest nation in history.

But that aside, what I have become is someone who needs to control every aspect of everyday. It became an obsession to try to figure out what can and may happen for everything now. I dream about problems driving into town, to just go grocery shopping, or taking the dog for a walk. I picture what to do if someone is dangerously driving on the highway, or there is an issue with a stranger in a public place.

And yes like most people in the world, we have all had to deal with situations that are not ok. Road rage and obnoxious strangers. And when I had not thought that something like that would occur, it occurred and I was thrown, and frightened (especially the road rage incident). It is important to be totally prepared in knowing how to deal with an aggressive individual or schmuck. But I also need to remind myself that most people, in fact the overwhelming number of people, simply want to go about their day, and enjoy their day. That the odds of something uncomfortable happening over and over again is so infinitesimally small that I need to stop lying awake at night and planning for the worst.

I suppose that is what the control issue happens to be. I always felt it was a talisman of sorts. To plan for the worst scenario while hoping for the best.

But I did have to learn to let go a little bit over time. Life is supposed to teach you how to do that. Well, life did teach me that. As we age there are simply things that we cannot control, at least not the timing of an issue.

I couldn’t control when my parents became sick, and I had to make life and death decisions for them at a lot earlier age than I thought I ever would have to. How my mother’s death, made me an advocate for the right-to-die laws.

I couldn’t control that I got breast cancer, but I am doing my damndest to make sure that fiendish brute doesn’t come back in any form. (and yes, I have plans on what to do and how to handle things if it does. How to protect the boys and what tools to provide for the hubby if the worst happens. On the other hand, I plan to live to be 120, like Moshe Rabbeinu. ) To that extent, as I mentioned before, I have upgraded my diet, and even have finally realized that my wine has to go to the wayside. (Alcohol is a leading cause of cancer or so they say now. So wine/alcohol has become a bit of an occasional happening instead of a nightly glass with dinner.)

I can’t control that the boys cant find jobs in their fields of study. Multiple masters degrees between them and no job interviews never mind jobs. Don’t ask. It is disheartening and frightening. You have them do everything right and nothing works out for them and you have no idea why. So we plan, we segue and we think of how to help. We ask professionals and doctors and nobody, and I mean nobody, has any answers or can help us figure this out. Talk about having 2 young men who want to work and can’t find jobs, in an economy that is supposedly going gangbusters. So apparently, I can’t control their future any more than I can control mine. And yes, this does leave me (well us) awake at 2am trying to figure out how to fix this. Not sure you would say this is control as much as this is worry. But for me, worry and control, seem to coalesce into the same thing.

I can’t control the economy, I can only live in it and do the best I can with the income we have. I can try to plan for the future to the best of my ability, but I have no control over monetary policy, or over the future. This has led me to understand the human need for prognostication- prayers to any number of Gods and deities to help know what will happen and how to prepare for the unexpected. Tarot cards, and ouija boards were something I did play around with at one time. I used to read my horoscope everyday from several different sources to see if they said anything helpful. (I would compare and contrast then decide which horoscope to follow.) Yes, we have insurances out the wahzoo-planning for the unknown, a bit of control for the unknown. I guess insurances are the modern version of the Oracle of Delphi.

I definitely can’t control politics. Now this is just sending me over the edge in this election season. Don’t get me started. I actually don’t want to hear it either. I despise the nastiness, the ginning up of controversy, and the horribleness that has become the hallmark of our modern political discourse. I want candidates running who I actually want to vote for. I think we as a society are entitled to that little tidbit. Candidates who actually care about the country over their own power and prestige -not the lesser of 2 evils. (Again, I don’t want to hear it. I will erase those comments. At least I can control the comment section of my substack. Also see below about commenting on my substack.)

I can’t control what other people think. Hate is such a revolting part of the human psyche. The conspiracy minded, racist, antisemitic, antihumanity, probarbarism and diluvian Gordian knots that people tie themselves into in order to celebrate sheer unadulterated evil is beyond me, and honestly terrifies me. The entire planet has become enablers of serial killers as long as the victims are Jews. It is repulsive, vile and beyond repugnant. Again politicians, globally, are bending the knee to this scum and it is beyond my ability to comprehend, and something I cannot control. (Many people try to figure out why in a rather Talmudic way of trying to understand Jew hatred, you know the “why the Jews’ conferences, rather than simply saying- Fuck these bastards- I don’t really care why they are like this. They simply need to be corralled and put on a desert island away from normal human society. A kind of devil’s island for these genocidal pieces of shit.)

But it causes me no end of planning and figuring out what to do in the event that I need to fight for my family’s existence, our right to life. Yes I live in the US, but as we have seen, genocial Jew hatred is here, and an accepted part of political discourse, as well as in the rest of the world. (Yes, I am angry. I think I have a right to be right now. I think every Jew does. I think every person who believes it’s not ok to slaughter people at a music festival (The Glastonbury festival is ok with this by the way), burn families alive and behead babies or think that they have a right to oppress women, gays, or anyone of another religion should all be angry that the leaders of the world seems to be placating these very medieval revolting people who would upend the freedoms that civilization has fought so hard to maintain.)

And yes, the truly interesting thing about growing older was the realization of what I can control and what I can’t control. Whether I am a control freak or not is not the issue. I think as life gets more complicated we need to plan more in order to make sense of our world. Perhaps, it’s not so much control as it is survival. If not when plans go awry we are left bereft of ideas on how to help ourselves. As an aside, it is not ok, that as the world changes, as technology makes our lives better, that so many are left behind.

One last thing about what I can control and what I can’t control. I have lost count of what is acceptable and unacceptable parlance in today’s world of spinelessness and over aggressive egocentric ridiculousness. Listen, I do not mean to be mean or hateful. (Ok I do have very harsh things to say about those that think they can slaughter my family, but I am not about to give these murderers a lollipop or psychologically analyze them, or feel bad that mommy or daddy didn’t hug them enough) I like most people are simply tired of the word police and being told what we can and cannot do or say. I generally let people say what they want in my world. However, I do draw a line when people do use the “r” word to demean others, or are bullies, or disparage people in order to win arguments. If you can’t win with facts, you have no business in the argument. So if you are reading this and can’t figure out why you can’t “like” or comment on something I wrote somewhere on substack, just know. I caught you being a total arse, and I can control what I see and don’t see when I log into my own account. That’s not being a control freak. That’s having standards for what is and is not socially acceptable. Something we used to do wayback when.