Bucket Lists

Who we are, what we felt, what we accomplished, and the lies we tell ourselves...

When we are young we make a bucket list. Sometimes these things are outrageous, like I want to become an astronaut, even though I hate math and science. Others are an overreach, that you want to end world hunger. Some are simple, learn to knit, crochet, cook, or sew. Others are dreams, like skiing the Alps, maybe a vacation in the Maldives (yes, this has grown even more prevalent since I started watching Travel Vloggers). Some are to find a supportive partner. Sometimes our bucket list can be as simple as writing down our story.

On that note my oldest has just bought both my husband and me, blank books in order for us to tell him our life story. He wants to remember us when we are gone and he needs information in order to do that. Not sure how old he thinks we are, and I am not planning to disappear anytime soon, but we are slowly filling them out. The husband got stuck on page 3 though. He doesn’t remember anything from his childhood and is waiting for me to help him. He said I remember stories about him better than he has memories.

In truth, I never had a bucket list. Well, when I entered law school I wanted to sit on the Supreme Court. But life had other ideas for me. When the boys were diagnosed with autism, I wasn’t about to pursue a career and leave their upbringing in the hands of others. Truth be told, I probably would not have done anything different if they were neurotypical too. But there was an urgency that took hold, and is still there today in many respects.

I also don’t think a bucket list is very practical at times. Or rather, I don’t think we should feel bad if we do not finish our bucket list. Life changes us. Things happen, and priorities change. What you desire at 20 is not what you desire at 60. Who you are at 60 is not who you were at 20. I wrote about this topic years ago “Would You Like your 20-Year old Self.”

A bucket list can only make you feel bad about yourself. Why didn’t I accomplish something? What about me prevented me from completing a task?

Instead of allowing ourselves to wallow in self doubt, what we need to do is reevaluate our lives at every step along the way. When we go to college, graduate school, or a trade school, we need to figure out the best course of our education. Once we get past schooling we need to figure out if our path actually makes us happy and if it will lead to what we want in life.

We used to call these things goals, rather than a bucket list. I had goals. I reached them at 40 just like I wanted. Problem for me was after I reached 40 and everything I wanted had been accomplished, I had no idea what to do next. I am still trying to figure out exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I do know though. When I turned 60, this lack of goals became a weight around my shoulders.

I think the lie we tell ourselves is that we have time. Lots of time. Until one day you realize that you have more days behind you then in front of you, no matter what. Unless of course, science finds a way to stretch your tellemers a little longer so you can live to 120. Unfortunately, while some say that extending human life is possible, it will not happen in my life time. But nonetheless, I do what I can to stay healthy.

Yet, I come back to the same issue that I have always had. What should I want to do with the time I have left. Now granted I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or I could live to be an octogenarian. We don’t have crystal balls to see into the future (I suppose that is why the ancient Greeks always went to the oracle at Delphi for answers. Humans have always had this uncanny need to know how the future will turn out.), but if we make some kind of plan then there is a better chance to live well with whatever time you have left.

So I have decided to try to figure out what I want to do and how I want to do it. Irrespective of anyone else at the moment. I have decided what I like as well. The issue of course is implementation. It is always implementation.

In truth, for me though, it is the little daily living things that make life nice. I enjoy mani/pedis so I make time once a month to go or at least once every 6 weeks. I get my hair cut when it needs cutting, but it grows so slow now, that is generally once a year. I enjoy not wearing makeup on a daily basis, but like buying it so that I have it if I need it. I have comfortable clothes, and pretty handbags (not the upside of expensive though, need to stay in budget). I enjoy coffee, a nice glass of wine (which I am told if I want to live long I need to give up), and chocolate. I also like to exercise (yes it’s odd, but I enjoy it. It makes me feel good and I like how my old lady body looks. Keeping that tushie from hitting the back of my knees is a goal.)

I really dont have travel plans, except the husband keeps saying it would be nice to go on vacation once again. We haven’t gone for years now, due to one thing or the other. Mostly the other. Medical bills in truth. Honestly, I have only 1 country I would like to go visit right now, not really sure any other place in the rest of the world is that welcoming to Jews now anyway. But I could see myself going to a tropical climate (we have those in the USA) and sitting at a pool with a glass of wine (drs be damned). So that is a goal, someday.

And of course, I like to write. Why else would I be here on substack? I also enjoy the engagement and interactions from others who want to write. I truly think there is a driving force that makes us want to create and to be heard. Writers are a funny lot. We have all these ideas swirling around our heads that we need to get out, and when we get them out, we hope that someone else will read them and let us know what they think. Of course, we get hurt too, when we are told that our writing isn’t quite up to snuff. Not that I will write the great American novel, but I do pour my heart and soul into every word I put down on paper (not paper exactly here on the internet, except I do have some rather beautiful journals and a lovely pen. I do love love paper and pens.).

I will tell you, I like to be heard. I like to know that others are listening. Not because I think of myself as a sage or someone who has to be listened to, but because this way you know you are seen. It is important for other human beings to recognize your humanity.

Which is a very funny idea I suppose in a world with over 8 billion people. One day we will be gone and we will be remembered by only what can be seen. Someday, in the future an archaeologist may get an idea to do research into the world of the internet circa 2024 to get an idea of what life was like at that time period. It’s not as if they will have to use conjecture with little bits of pottery, or indecipherable language. Who we are and what we think and feel will be out there for all to see. The future needs to understand who we were, what we felt, what we accomplished, what were our purposes, what were our passions, who we loved, and who loved us.

History is the story of human beings. It is the story of people and their trials and tribulations. Their joys and needs. Their wants and happiness. I think of the people, the thousands of generations that came before so we can be here today. Who were these people and what did they hope for their progeny?

So no, I really never had a bucket list and still can’t figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I know what I enjoy, and believe that I am entitled to be happy (I believe most people are entitled to be happy, except the ones who want to genocide me and mine because of some ignorant ancient hatred). But most of all I want to leave a legacy to be proud of. Something someone someday will look back and say, this was a good person, or at least she did the best she could.

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