Back to Work
And my cardiologist really pissed me off
So as I wrote a few weeks ago, my surgery sabbatical was coming to an end and I was supposed to start back to work. And I did. And I am not happy.
I find that the things that became important to me during my vacation time are no longer things I can do consistently. My days are long, but my time is short. I find that I don't have a good life-work balance anymore. I walk around constantly very tired.
The hubby and I were making fun of this younger generation when they talked about how they wanted to make sure they had a good life-work balance. I don’t know when this started, but I completely understand it now. Everything can’t be about work, and then only errands. You do need to have time for yourself and for what is important to you.
Listen, I am grateful that my company found a way to accommodate my health issues and allowed me to come back to work. Well, technically I think they can’t fire me, but I don’t think they have to offer me the exact same job back. They could have replaced me and offered me something they know I really don’t want to do. So I am pleased that they kept me in an area that I prefer.
But it is too much. Working full time. Then taking care of the house. Then helping with the boys. Then I get time for me.
My biggest kvetch is that I am now so tired I can’t work out the way I had started to when I was in my time out. (Yes I know that it was very privileged, but at some point in your life you are allowed to be your own priority are you not?)
I had actually started a great stretch of working out on the Peloton. Even a 10 minute ride a day if I was tired. But after 45 days straight I had to stop because I was so exhausted after working for that first week that I simply did not have the energy anymore. I finished work, and crawled into bed.
In fact, all weekend that is all I do. I crawl under the covers and watch videos or bing shows. I have no desire or compunction to do anything else. (Well I did deep clean the kitchen last week only because if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done and that would be disgusting.)
Well I did take a pilates class on Saturday to try to get my abdominal region back in shape. Doing it on my own was just not cutting it. I also thought I would come home and do some cardio. You know to just complete the exercise regime for the day.
So I came home, sat on my bed to put on my sneakers. Decided I could lay my head down on the pillow for a few minutes and watch some show first and then I promptly fell asleep. Yep, that’s right. The class so knocked me out slumber was my next adventure.
I woke up and realized that I had a longer recovery ahead of me than I thought. (And yes I am going to go back to the class. It only proved to me that you can’t always fix things on your own. I try. But at some point you do need to recognize when you need help.) The doctor said it could take up to a year to get back to normal. My boss told me that it took her about a year to get back to normal. She had had the same surgery and is half my age). But I was determined to power through and ignore the timeline others had set for me.
And yes today I am sitting here complaining about my 1st world issues. But they are real issues and I am allowed to be annoyed that things are just not flowing the way I need them to flow.
Meanwhile, I had my annual with my cardiologist last week. Everything was good. Except she didn’t like how much I weighed. Granted my weight hasn’t changed that much in the last 25 years. Menopause hit and my weight went up. It has never come back down except when I was being treated for breast cancer and then went back to its normal range when I was done with radiation.
She asked me if I wanted the name of a nutritionist. I told her that we had one we work with. She then gave me a lecture about mindful eating like I was an intellectually deficient infant. Hubby told me not to be upset. She was just doing her job. No. I don’t think she was just doing her job. I think she was being condescending. (By the way they only took my weight not my body fat measurement.Hubby said with the amount I exercise, there needs to be a differential between muscle which is good for you, and fat.) She never asked me how I ate or what I ate. Only assumed I am stupid and don’t pay attention to what I put in my mouth.
Her thing, and I get it, is that they do some kind of formula to figure out if you should go on cholesterol meds. My cholesterol is a little high (223), and actually came down from the year before, but not horrible (high cholesterol runs in the maternal line of my family post menopause), and my calcium score is 0. She said as I age my prevalence for a heart attack will go up not because I change physically but because of my age. So right now my chance of a heart attack is 5%. They generally prescribe cholesterol meds if you reach over 7%. My weight according to the formula is a factor (but they also don’t do body fat as I mentioned). They just assume if you weigh a certain amount you are slothful.
Could I eat less. Probably.
Do I want to? Should I cut out cheese and butter? Well maybe stop eating as much cheese (I had gone on a brie binge earlier this year, and do eat cheddar cheese) and only use a little butter. Cut back on carbs? (I eat 2 slices of bread maybe a day, no rice, or potatoes generally. Yes, I eat raw carrots-which is considered a carb [these people are going to make you crazy if you let them] and probably should cut out the dipping sauce.)
What I don’t want to be is hungry. That old adage that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” is a mental illness. I have been too thin in my life. I have chosen being hungry over eating to make sure I fit into a size 5. I will not do that anymore.
Most people (yours truly included) are overweight according to the charts the medical profession uses. Being overweight can be a cause, among many, for the onset of certain diseases. I get that too. I get that it is the doctor’s job to try to prevent as much disease as possible.
But when you see a doctor for 30 minutes once a year, I just don’t think they see the person in front of them. I think they see a statistic. Not sure how that is practicing medicine. But that is what we got in this country right now.
IT IS DAY 534 OF THE HOSTAGES BEING STARVED AND HELD IN THE TERROR DUNGEONS OF GAZA 🎗️
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I hear all this!
I think that you need to be fair towards yourself too. This is often so hard especially when we are in the habit of caregiving. Pairing recovery and back to work means you’re going to be operating on less fuel. One thing I’m mindful of more often and has made a difference is the connection between my eating habits and emotions. It’s so interconnected. One act a day of thinking before doing, “Am I really hungry? Can I substitute for something more nourishing that will make me and my body feel good in an hour?”
I love Peleton (I’m “bethtalktv”if you want to connect there)
You'll likely pry the wine glass out of my cold, rigor-frozen hand. Nothing much to add to what's already been said. The recovery thing is what it is and takes what it takes.
I understand. I was astonished my lack of stamina after donating a kidney - long time ago. Most of my 2024 was spent virtually chair bound, waiting for my Afib & flutter procedure.
That department is normal now, but recovering from all that deconditioning is no small thing, especially at 81. But I'm working at it. Hang in there.