Quiet

Ssssshhhhh.....

I am alone in my house. The mens went to see a movie.

It’s just me and the greyhound.

I just finished binge watching one of my french murder mysteries and once I turned off the sound on my computer there was complete and total silence.

I can’t remember the last time there wasn’t one bit of noise in my house.

We all work from home, so the 4 of us are ever present. Even though everyone is doing their own thing, there is always the hustle and bustle of other humans around you. Someone is always up to something.

Especially since my home office is in the kitchen. The fridge is busy.

I have actually taken to wearing my noise canceling headphones, even when I am not streaming anything, simply to have some muffled silence.

But it isn’t the same as dead silence.

Nothing is moving in the air.

Even the air conditioner is quiet.

The puppy is laying on her bed and silently sleeping.

I hear the tap tap tap of the keyboard and that is it.

I am not so sure that my aging brain likes it.

I feel isolated and alone.

I need to have company.

I supposed I am more human than I thought. I am a social animal. Wanting people around me...Well at least the people that I like.

I think, take advantage of the silence and read the book you have downloaded to your kindle… I prefer to write.

Isn’t it funny how we get so used to never having quiet that when it finally falls on us it elicits a wary feeling in our soul.

I make sure the alarm is on.

I can understand how the elderly feel lonely.

You go from having a family, to suddenly being by yourself.

For some it is a relief.

For others it’s a reminder of changes that they may not be happy with.

As I move into this last part of my journey around the sun, even if it is decades to comes, I realize that there is a tremendous amount of change ahead.

And I am not looking forward to the time when this lack of noise is my everyday reality.

There is a sigh of relief, I also know that in a few hours there will be noise again.

I do hope the boys find companionship. I want them to grow and be happy.

I do know that between the husband and I, one of us will outlive the other.

I saw the quiet in my mother’s life. My father had died of cancer 3 years before her. We, of course, all moved out decades prior to start our own families.

The quiet did not bring her joy.

She had finally agreed to come live with us, a week before her fatal car accident.

I think about my parents, what should have been and, what we all were denied, especially when it is so quiet…..when I am alone.

They are both gone over 10 years now. Yet, this year I cried on shavuot when I lit their yahrzeit candles. (It’s been a very hard and frightening year to be a Jew in this world.)

Now the greyhound is whining…she keeps looking out the window for the missing car which took the mens to their movie. She will whine until they are home.

At least it won’t be quiet.